Zugswang!

The Sword and the Fish (the second greatest story ever told)

2006-07-01T15:50:00.000-04:00

THE SWORD AND THE FISH has been released.

You can find the game here:
http://uiv2.com/games/view/113

You'll also need:
http://www.nowavedisco.com/joelrpg/SwordandtheFishfiles/RM2000E.exe
http://www.nowavedisco.com/joelrpg/SwordandtheFishfiles/RTPe.exe

And here's the center of operations:
http://swordandthefish.blogspot.com/

This will be my new blog from now on. Cheerio!

O those were the Days

2006-02-09T00:09:00.000-05:00

Recently I tried to remember all the concerts I've ever been to that were a 'big" deal:

Problem is I can barely remember the details.

1. Our Lady Peace, Everclear @ Maple Leaf Gardens. Man, that was ages ago. Only seated concert I've ever been to. Glad it was my first or I might not've enjoyed it.
2. I Mother Earth @ The Warehouse. This show rocked the shit and I almost died of dehydration. Serial Joe opened for them! Yuck!
*Now starting no particular order*
3. Matthew Good Band @ The Warehouse. Jeff Martin was there!
4. The Music @ Kool Haus. Brought to us by Halo 2. Big Lavery-related road trip.
5. Muse @ The Capitol Musichall in Ottawa. Probably the most explosive thing ever.
6. Foo Fighters, Smashing Pumpkins, Our Lady Peace, Catherine Wheel, Treblecharger, and Eve 6 @ Summersault 98 in Barrie. That was one hell of a good day. Especially rocking out to Everlong 2 meters from Dave Grohl.
7. I Mother Earth @ The Vibe in Peterborough. I met the band. I was front row. I went backstage. I even met a future girlfriend. That day was pretty stellar.
8. Tragically Hip, Matthew Good, The Trews @ Across the Causeway concert in Kingston. Best way to break in a school year.
9. We Are Scientists @ The Horseshoe Tavern. These guys totally cool. Not enough people rocked out.
10. David Usher @ AJ's Hangar in Kingston. He did a cover of Crazy Train singing P!nk lyrics to "Get the Party Started." How much balls does THAT take?
11. Econoline Crush @ AJ's Hangar in Kingston. This show was tape-to-tape, but once again, not enough big fans to blow the roof off.
12. I Mother Earth, Theory of a Deadman @ The Cocomo in Kingston. Sketchy venue, great show, Theory of a Deadman will always blow balls.
13. Hurst @ the Trasheteria in Peterborough. Tom and I were 2 of 10 people attending this show. Did no one think Hurst wouldn't play at least 5 Econoline Crush covers?
14. Radiohead @ the Park in Montreal. I forget the parks name. Definitely the longest wait for a concert ever, but what a payoff!
15. The Dears, Pilate @ Elixir in Kingston. The deal was Chris Ball would see I Mother Earth if I saw The Dears. The deal worked for me, but not for him.
16. Most Serene Republic @ Lees Palace. Went on a whim, definitely a energetic show.
17. Treblecharger, Gob @ Queen's parking lot. Frosh week show. I had fun, that's what matters.
18. April Wyne @ The Cocomo in Kingston. More cougars were out than ever before.
19. The Full Nine @ Clark Hall Pub in Kingston. I liked these guys, for their brief tenure on the Edge - but Matt Good was playing that night so no one else showed up.

20. Finally, the best show ever, I Mother Earth live off the floor in Barrie. Their FINAL show EVER. 3 hours and fifteen minutes of straight music. Over half the songs off each album. Played tracks they hadn't played live in over a decade. Every hardcore fan was there and we surrounded the band in the middle of a big gymnasium. Couple that with roadtrip sleeping 11 people in a single room - and that spells good time. Getting V.I.P. passes to skip the line helped too, thanks Bruce's girlfriend.

* Add to this list shows of buddy's bands: About 3 James McKenty & the Spades shows, about 5 Sunlit Ambush shows, and doubtless over 20 The Jack Kerouac Knapsack Band shows.

I don't know what the point of this list was. It's not particularily interesting. And I'm not showing off because half of ye won't care either way, and the other half have probably seen lots more shows.

Rollerblades

2006-02-02T17:05:00.000-05:00

Man, whatever happened to rollerblades?

You barely see anyone wearing them anymore - but they're so cool!

Songs of the Year: 15 years of cool songs

2006-01-16T19:46:00.000-05:00

2005: The Fallen - Franz Ferdinand
2004: Take me Out - Franz Ferdinand
2003: Hysteria - Muse
2002: Clint Eastwood - Gorrilaz
2001: New Born - Muse
2000: Everything Means Nothing to Me - Elliott Smith
1999: Sleep Now in the Fire - Rage Against the Machine
1998: Intergalactic - Beastie Boys
1997: Everlong - Foo Fighters
1996: Used to be Alright - I Mother Earth
1995: Street Spirit - Radiohead
1994: Spoonman - Soundgarden
1993: Rain Will Fall - I Mother Earth
1992: Pure - Pure
1991: Alive - Pearl Jam
1990: Cannonball - The Breeders
1965: Spanish Flea - Herb Alpert & the Tijuana Brass

Conclusion

2006-01-04T23:54:00.000-05:00

I think my blogging days are over.

It made a good run of 100 posts and lasted a year, but I just can't produce inane drivel at the rate I used to. Perhaps that's real life's oppressive thumb coming down on me, I don't know. But somehow life seems more serious than quirky self-propogated and tediously self-conscious humour bits disguised as a journal. This isn't really a journal. Or at least only half. It's more of an easel constructed of dull and finite hues to bear the passage of time with narcissism. When your method of catharsis simply reinforces all that's serious in the world sheerly by recognizing the polar opposite, then its not working and something's got to change.

John Keats once wrote, "Thou weren't not born for death, immortal bird" to ease his mind on the eve of death, and he was right for himself, but wrong for everyone else. Most people are born for death. Ode to a Nightengale remained a poetic fixture long after he was dead, but that was because he was a genius - and because he was lucky. I'm no genius, and I sure as hell don't have any luck. So I don't really feel like perservering when the product is just going to get up and fly away like the nightengale in question. It might sing forever, but it might sing forever in a hard-bound chest or lost amongst endless bits of data on a computer. What good is it then? There's no use for audianceless art when it is no longer cathartic.

Especially when it's barely deemed art. When it's just "stuff you do." Creativity died a long, long time ago - anyone who watches movies or listens to music knows that. You've got to dig like a worm to find anything at all. You do your best and there will always be nae-sayers. So why on earth would anyone want to create all their life instead of doing something as simple as enjoying company. Guess which one is the bigger hole in the end. Guess. Your work is fleeting unless you are one of the lucky few. The very lucky few. But if life is fleeting then you must accept it and find what is meaningful in it while it winds to a close. Keat's To Autumn notes this mere months before he dies. His toil to find something truly lasting concludes when he takes a walk and admires just how beautiful a day planet earth can blossom. Good luck with that in Toronto. But the point is silly works for other people's amusement won't last. It is better to find happiness in something far greater than art and admire it until your dying day than to twist yourself over permenance, use, creativity, and humour. Like people, fleeting people, and their thoughts. Appreciation is the rarest of gifts. You doubt? Think of the number of people who truly appreciate you, then use your extra fingers to touch your works and see them wasted by acquaintance - because you won't fill two hands.

Working in unpopular mediums is leeching. It's no longer cathartic. You work because you don't quit. But who is the target agent you try to impress? Who are you trying to impress? Not them, they "know" in that skimmed manner befitting idle interest. Not anyone special, what care they for useless expression by unpopular medium? Everybody offers useless expression, you're not original! Not you yourself, you already appreciate it too much. If not, then you'd have stopped already. Why continue when it is fruitless? Why herald the nightengale when there's autumn? Why work when you could not? You work because it might be genius but you delude yourself and time ebbs like you are the one with consumption and coughing up blood.

So who are you trying to impress?

100th Post

2005-12-22T16:20:00.000-05:00

So I typed '100 posts' into google image search to find something funny but naturally found random sketched out pornographic gymnastics instead.

Yes! It is my 100th post. I counted a little while ago and have done my math. 100. It means very little, but I'll always have a soft spot in my heart for this post (and for post #58, that one rocked!)

But it won't be very exciting, since I'm back in Peterborough and don't have access to my plentiful pictures. So links like the one above shall dominate. I started the blog in January 2005 so it's fitting that I basically have 100 posts per year. That averages down to about 8.25 posts per month or about 1 every 3.5 days. To be honest, not that much has happened in said span. Graduated from university, got a job for 4 months, and just this afternoon applied to Sheridan and Humber college's Advanced Film & Television programs.

The end of the blog has been forseen a while ago when my pal Rakesh Singh (Raki apparently has a doppelganger working for U of W) suggested I help him out on a website he was planning on creating called www.noshoes.com. Don't follow that link. It will lead (hopefully!) to nowhere since the site is yet to come about. Progress on that has been, hehe, slow, but when/if it arrives the Zugswang blog shall die. For I cannot keep up two sites requiring postage - only one. And a real website whereupon I'm destined to become famous takes priority.

But the Zug is safe, until I hear further.

Meanwhile, hockey-wise, Team Canada was chosen and I can't say I'm super happy with the selections. Goalies? Yeah, they're fine. This year we've had no standout goalie so go with proven guys like Broduer and Luongo. I have faith.

Defensemen? Prongs, Redden, Niedermeyer, Blake, Jovo all good. Foote and Regehr I think could've been left out of the mix. I'm no Leaf fan but I wanted to see McCabe as our 7th defenseman. Use him for the powerplay, why not? Regher has proven himself ONCE. A fluke playoff run by Calgary 2 years ago. Gimmie a break. He's a good player, but I'd rather see Dan Boyle go, or Chris Phillips. Foote's just kind of old. I don't mind him in so far as we need a stay at home.

Forwards. Sakic, Iginla, Gagne, Heatley, Thornton: Yes, good. Bertuzzi? I say give him a chance. He's been playing better and better. Kudos. Ryan Smyth? You KNOW he's gotta be there, 27 pts or no. He's the heart of any team and the hardest competitor on the ice. He can be the extra forward, but just have him there. Nash is A-OK as long as his injuries don't slow him down. If they are, replace him wityh Spezza. TB line: St. Louis, Richards, and Lecavalier? Bah! 2 years ago they were hot, so what? Lecavalier and Richards deserve to be there in their own right. Not counting alternates, Richards has the 3rd most points in the NHL right now amongst Team Canada players (After Heatley and Thornton). Lecav's right there too. They're paid their dues. St. Louis??? NO! He's a resipiant. He scores goals because the other two guys are good. The same reason Team Canada isn't interested in Marc Savard or Glen Murray is because they're gun-men. They thrive off talent but don't create it. St. Louis isn't having the season to merit going. I'd replace him with Shanahan and prove I don't just like young over old. Shanahan got the boot despite having a great season and lots of experience. I don't see a reason why he 'played himself off the team.' The final two players are Shane Doan and Kris Draper, both of whom I disagree with. Draper's good at shutting players down and has offensive skills, granted, and Doan's good at being... uh, rugged. But hear the tale of history:

In 1998 our Olympic Team SUCKED ASS. We set it up with positional players and role players instead of super stars. 6 scores, 6 grinders for forwards. Shayne Corson was on the team. Todd Marchant was on the team! We lost bad. In 2002 our Olympic Team RULED. We set it up with pure offense in mind. 12 scorers. We won big. Why? Because all our lines were offensive juggernauts. We let our D men and goaltenders play D and focussed on thrashing the other team. Doan and Draper are leftovers from the 1998 style of thinking, having Spezza and Staal there instead is the 2002 way of thinking. Spezza and Heatley play great together, Staal has the most goals in the NHL. Make them a line. Make it your 4th line. Put it out JUST for punch, and keep 'em fresh. We HAVE a line of tough nosed guys. Thornton, Nash, Bertuzzi and Smyth are all big and bruising. Let THEM be the checking line and let young legs be our fourth line, a crippling collection of speed and skill. Because unlike Doan and Draper, Thornton and co. actually have some points this year and can score. Besides, how do you get Olympic experience besides going? I don't want dinosaurs ALWAYS dominating the selection camp because they've paid their dues, and Doan reeks of Gretzky interference.

My team would look like this:

Gagne: Sakic: Iginla
Lecavalier: Richards: Shanahan
Nash: Thornton: Bertuzzi
Staal: Spezza: Heatley
Smyth

Pronger: Niedermeyer
Blake: Foote
Redden: Jovanoski
McCabe

Alts:
Boyle, Tanguay, St. Louis

Anyway,
Merry Christmas in all! Hope all you people named Chris don't get cocky because your name is part of the name of a festive holiday like my friend Tmas does. Tmas turns into a real snot. The new year will bring good changes my way, I am confident, and I can't wait to bring it in with my wonderful friends from Queen's at Kristin's place near Ottawa - Where the wine is sparkling and the hot tub is a place for revelations...

HAPPY 100 TO ME!

Joel Minty, Malfarious J, the Malfarious One, Malfy, et. al.

A Simple Story: Don't get Mad

2005-12-11T13:36:00.000-05:00

An edict came down from up high amongst males about 7 or 8 years ago as far as I can tell. Within it a union was formed between two warring parties of ages old: nerds and cool kids/jocks. It was in about grade 9 or so for me and it stemmed from an understanding: Being cool about the uncool is the new cool.

Read that sentence again.

Being laid-back enough to not care about how someone spent their off time came into favour amongst my schoolmates. The cool kids and jocks realized that video games were damn fun - and a good way to stay competitive when exhausted from sports or other activities. The nerds realized that it was about attitude and that slipping into the dating pool was relative not to their biceps but to their confidence and social detachment from their downtime. Thus a genuine cohesion occured - and the laid-back friendly jocks and cool guys started playing video games and laughin' it up with the laid-back friendly nerds who started to show signs of a social consciousness. I remember the time in my instance specifically, when cool-guy Raine Tamamaggi claimed his posse could school BT, Patten and I think Francis and I in Goldeneye64. Cool guys coming onto our turf? Rock on. The match never happened (I don't think), but the merger was made. It was also realized, although I was soon to leave the school and thus not reap the benefits, that our little collective of gamers and folk were bonifide nice guys not afflicted with social ailments commonly associated with video game junkies. BT realized this and buffed his arms up. Colin and I joined the swim team. As great as this union seemed to be, the problem with the whole scenario - though finding peace on the battlefield created strange social phenomenon like Evan Herbert, a master of both sides and risen from the ranks of nerdom - was that someone forgot to inform 50% of the populace of this newfound truth. The girls.

Being cool about the uncool is the new cool.

It didn't matter what you did, as long as you did it with passion and a good heart. As long as you could be counted on not to bone any situation (be it a dance with the ladies or a FPS no Oddjob Basement Pistols match) you were a stand up guy.

Each side had their detriments when it came to ladies. The jocks had hockey miasmatically swirling about their heads. If a guy liked hockey it was thought (and often found to be true), that he wouldn't treat a girl right because he'd ditch each Saturday at least to play hockey with "the boys." I wholeheartedly agree that a posse of males, specifically in the jock scenario, can become a very bad influence on a relationship. I always advise avoiding the guy who cares more about the posse and his respect amongst them than he does the girl. Often, girls become trophy-like in such instances, symbols of power within the group that's really only concerned with out-cocking the others - be it with women, on the ice, or in the locker room which always hummed with telltale whispers of homosexuality (from all the male on male position jockeying and nudity). So I definitely agree. But this suddenly wasn't taking into account the new union. Nerdy guys were getting into sports. Nerdy guys were playing NHL94 for the SNES. Nerdy guys wanted to get fit because most learned in the elementary school that beating Metroid in 1:07:10 didn't get girls to play spin-the-bottle with you. If fitness wasn't their way, then often girl-friendly hobbies like cooking popped up. They learned to try and avoid showcasing their love of games and showcase something else.

Nerds had their detriment to the ladies as well. A hardcore gamer is FAR from what a typical girl would want in a boyfriend. Once again it takes a serious amount of time away from her, and this time instead of replacing it with boorish behavior and cock-jockeying it replaces it with meaningless facts, digital violence, and prolonged spans of lethargy often resulting wormy-slimness or obescity. Now I am NOT attacking ladies for having these consternations - these are apt concerns! Like the boor influence becoming a sever hinderence on a happy relationship, being overly pent-up indoors and obssesive about fantastical hodge-podge can make guys more difficult to converse with in real life (or RL, ha) and concerned with stuff girls care nothing about. But this suddenly wasn't taking into account the new union. Nerdy guys weren't allowing themselves to become so enamoured with Kilgor and his 46 hits combos anymore and the cool kids were starting to talk about how to beat the Golden Avatar in Earthbound.

So what to do?

Women didn't seem to think that being cool with being uncool was, well, cool. It was nerdifying their popular males and making confident approaching nerds. It became increasingly difficult finding a seperation between the two. There became a collective of half-nerd half-popular men : almost all of which had the detriment of being obsessive over hockey AND obsessive over video games (although obsessive might be too strong a term in this sense). But they'd learned to push both to back burner when it came to social interaction. It was only, woefully, in retrospect that a girl would find out a guy watched a hockey a ton or played video games in his generic time off. To them the uncool was still the uncool. Hockey lovers and gamers had to be WEEDED out from the good guys - an increasingly difficult task. The result was that males hid both elements as long as possible until relationships had germinated. Mentioning being a hockey fan (as I did on a date recently to the response, "Oh - You didn't seem like a hockey-type of guy." Of course I didn't. By now who likes hockey is widely spread amongst artsies and jocks evenly. And I didn't seem like a "hockey-type of guy" because I'm not. I'm a guy who likes hockey. A 'hockey type of guy' is the OLD persona for jocks stemming back to the core reasons girls avoid (or ought to avoid) guys who maintain core posses of boorish males trying to one up each other - but of course that line's been blurred) Mentioning being a hockey fan thrust me into that category despite my seemingly (and real) respect and focus for a potential partner. I decided to not mention my liking for hockey in the future so I wouldn't get perceived this way. If girls realized that being cool with being uncool was the new cool then I hardly should be worried because I would not receive the stigma long with the hobby. It is a shame when you must hide your likes and dislikes for fear of distaste when your intentions are far from those associated with your off time preference.

Hockey as a hobby is now something to worry about as a girl. Perhaps it always was, back with the jocks and nerds dicotemy, but now the waters are murky and you don't know what you're getting. (Think of 'Saved by the Bell' and the characters Slater and Skreech. You knew with demons you'd face if you chose to date either of them.)

Games get the same treatment. It used to be that the lethergic gamers were easily spotted - or NOT spotted, deep in their basements. Now, well, I barely know any male who is not into video games to a certain extent. Or more precisely, HAS been before school or work dominated them. Gamer Tendancies we'll call it. But while you can like hockey and not be a "Hockey-type of guy", a boor who cares more about his boyz than his lady, you can also like games and not be a pimply shut in who neglects a girlfriend by being socially awkward and physically inferior. There was a union. Games spread to all to a certain degree. The males I know most into sports have also dug games. My brother's crazy-fit from Dragonboating and marathon running and he plays games whenever he manages the time. Donald Summerville, my pal, is into the competitive playing of many sports - but he was the uniracer usurping champion when younger and we beat FF3 together, not to mention 28.8 Warcraft II battles on sunday mornings.

Video games as a hobby have always been worried about by girls and now they're harder to eek out. But once again there's a key difference between what they symbolize and how they actually effect a budding relationship. Most guys I know treat playing games like watching TV - not something to take from social time, but something to take from understandably non-social time. Most guys I know still go out on fridays and saturdays and other days - it's at times when social interaction is unavilable they turn to games. And don't anyone try to tell me games are despised because they're a poor use of free time. TV is no better, and less interactive. It certainly doesn't hone skill of any kind. A plethora of other activites don't come close to the complexity of many modern games. But 'liking games' is still a dark blot on a guys record due to the stigma of the time pre-union of being cool with the uncool.

To be cool nowadays, the guys I know juggle these things. All the guys I know with the exception of one like hockey - or if not hockey directly, another sport like soccer. All the guys I know periodically enjoy games given the chance. The COOL ones are the ones who can handle this feat and keep their neck above water with the ladies and offer no less time to social interaction than expected. The UNCOOL ones are the ones who let one or the other, or both, detract from their social life in a serious way. This distinction is basically clear to women, but I don't think they recognize an intergral piece. Yes, ladies know social deficiency is not an attribute. They can read who's cool and who's uncool aptly. But they don't seem to get that upon introduction if you say you like hockey you're not necessarily a boor or that if you say you like video games you're not necessarily a nerd. They don't recognize that the two are basically fused together amongst the cool portions of males. These still act as black marks on your record, yet are meaningless if the man can allocate the correct amount of time for social interaction (and therefore the correct amount of time to a girlfriend). No longer do these traits have to detract from a guy's worth because oft times he's learned how to juggle them. Instead of being firmly entrenched in one camp or another, he's become a jack-of-trades and can know when and where the right place for hockey and/or games is. I am not a hockey-boor or a gamer-nerd: I'm a combination of the two and more. Mark me not twice for my sins for I am in neither camp deep enough to make my hobbies become an affliction to my social status.

This stems to my general argument about hobbies.

Hobbies were not meant to be treated as good or bad. A hobby is always good, within reason (aka, killing the elderly as a hobby is not good). Horse riding, cooking, D&D, shopping, reading, collecting magnets, dancing, sports or video games: they're all good. Girl considers shopping one of her hobbies? That's great! Watch a girl shopping who loves it and you see someone at the heart of their element - like a guy who loves hockey playing hockey. What is wrong with that? No one hobby is superior. As long as it doesn't detract from your relationship or your social life what's wrong with it? It's FREE time. Do what you want. But don't label some hobbies so devoid of attraction as to render their pursuer unattractive. If a girl says she likes shopping on a first date most guys won't throw in the towel. The way society's built nowadays it's somewhat expected. Well guess what. Hockey and video games ought to be somewhat expected amongst Canadian males and not considered black marks. They are but preferences. The more hobbies you are the most interesting a person to talk to you should be, pending they don't afflict anyone else (commonly my problem) I mean, I'm not into cars, but my friend Kristen Bowden is and I'd much rather talk to her about her hobby I'm not into than, say, school: a generally boring topic unless the source of an interesting story. Hobbies in my opinion are inately good, and if a girl really likes horse riding I will endevor to find out why. I will endevor to share that interest in some way. To learn. What's wrong with a new hobby? What could possibly be wrong with being interested in something new?

Girls don't have to like hockey, or play video games - but these pursuits should not be treated with scorn. Not all males will neglect a girl because they like hockey or play games. I can't speak for all men (although I've tried to here sometimes with varying success no dubt) but I've never scorned girl's hobby. My ex was into quasi-gothic movies and music : AS FAR from my generally sunny personality as possible. But it was something to learn about and something to share, even if I never warmed up to it myself I was glad she had something to enjoy and be inspired by. Guys may groan about a girl shopping a ton, or them being "dragged around" a lot, but they won't dismiss a girl on a 1st date (or the like) due to shopping being a big part of their life. Such common hobbies for girls do not bring up disdain or disgust - personalities do that, not interests. Hockey and video games deserve the same treatment. They are not foul in and of themselves, but common enough now, since the union, that they ought to be considered with respect and no longer used to judge what type of person the guy is. He's a combination of the two usually. Just as many girls are a combination of shopping and dressing up (or something). Judge from personalities, not likes and dislikes - because sometimes nerds can be really cool and fit, and sometimes jocks can enjoy ripping up Bowser's Castle Raceway on 100cc in Mariokart. You don't get many chances with people. I'd hate to categorize too soon based off a person's prefered hobby and miss the person underneath.

And quickly, before I end, I have NOT forgotten the numerous women who are very interested in sports and athletics or video games and the fantastical. I was speaking more to the majority crowd, and when you do that there's ALWAYS a minority crowd saying, "Hey - what about me?" You can always find an example to beat the rule: but you can always find a plethora of examples to beat that example when you're dealing with majorities and minorities. So apologies. We know that girls who like gamez and hockey have an easier time with guys and that guys who are into clothing and shopping have an easier time with girls. Thus, on the sixth day, the world received Tom-Girls and Metrosexuals.

Sorry if anyone finds this upsetting. Rants have a way of leaving things out or overemphasizing things since they follow the brain's meandering stream of thoughts. No form of communication accurately gets across your entire point of view on a subject. I've just always been of the impression that hobbies are great, no matter whether they're hobbies I share or not and I've always found that when it came to relationships girls seemed to care about my hobbies more than my personality. Or at least they cared about my hobbies more than I cared about their hobbies.

Hobbies are but the ways in which we express ourselves. It is what IS expressed that counts.

Elections are Anti-Canadian and Anti-Family

2005-12-01T18:35:00.000-05:00

I was thinking about volunteering at a cat shelter to pass the time, possibly because I miss Brain, possibly because I needed another hobby. But alas the places I found needed places FOR cats, not helpers (at least, not ones without cars) and I'm not ready to care for a cat in my little room (if a cat is even allowed in the building).

Meantime I'm trying to get into Sheridan. They say an English degree isn't a 'media-related' degree. What's with that? It's called printmedia folks, there's a whole additional category for it. On top of that, the internet is total an English medium. At least the parts in English. I'm counting on my year in the field and my portfolio of works to get me through.

Tomorrow is Brianna's VICTORIAN party - at which I may end up like this:

Okay, I did not MEAN for that link to be that... sketchy - I typed 'Victorian Guy' into google and this was the first thing to pop up. Which is scary.

I've always counted myself amongst the gentlefolk, so it should be a rich, cultured evening I spend reciting as much Oscar Wilde as I can possibly fit into my brain filled with Romantic Poetry and 21st century animated television.

As long as I don't end up like THIS:

- Party goers escort Joel from the premises after eating all the straw from the "17th Century Straw!" display.

I am currently reading George R.R. Martin's 'A FEAST FOR CROWS' and thoroughly enjoying it. It's a nice change after my recent heavy hitters Dostoevsky and Homer.

I have so many good ideas for posts walking to work I am too tired to implement when I get home. I blame the torries.

The Yeast

2005-11-21T14:20:00.000-05:00

I did this today, for some reason:

I had a great idea for a post on the way to work, but must've forgotten. This was the brain-child instead.

Nimble Fingers

2005-11-18T19:08:00.000-05:00

So I'm trying to join some clubs. Watching too many "feel-good" teen romantic comedies about misfit foolhardy men eventually getting the better of entirely too attractive and open women at SDI has brought about feelings of derision towards my single status.

So far I've found two minimal things:
1) I'm going to try to volunteer at a Cat shelter, since I love kitties. Hopefully it's near enough I can head there on Mondays or Tuesdays. I love kitties, I do. Usually I don't "volunteer" as such. Usually I volunteer creative content, not time. So in a certain sense, I volunteered a ton of my time at Queen's because I never got paid and spent numerous hours at Goldenwords and Studio Q. But I reaped all the rewards and worked entirely for myself and slightly for the publication/studio - thus, I suppose it's that thing entirely OPPOSITE to altruistic volunteering - egoistic self-propogation!

But in a certain sense it's still working for no money. I suppose art helps people in a different way. Or in this case cats. Although I doubt cats would get the nuances of Forbzy and LaMarshe. Although my cat Hobbes did. So maybe some can. But we've long thought he was a genius cat ever since he designed the Bowflex Home Gymnasium.

2) I'm going to start trying to go to "Beginners Spinning" at my gym. I don't know if I qualify as a beginnner, since I've been cycling on treadmills for quite a while, but it's a good place to start. There's a few other programs that seem neat - but I'm a tempermental exerciser. I go often, but only work as hard as I feel that given day. Some days I push myself, others I go easy.

I'd like to join a play, but they're hard to find - sorta. A lot of activities you realize are fun through universities and schools.

I promptly filled up the weekend of the 2nd-3rd over the last 24 hours. Brianna's having a Victorian themed party I look forward to attending immensely. And then the SDI work party is saturday. I thought it'd be one of those awkward conversation (mostly about captioning) chips and 11:00 type of parties - but no - it's curling all afternoon, then partying additionally and optionally. I think it's going to rock. I've never curled before and have always mocked it when James and Craig told me of its merits. But I look forward to deftly applying my trade. My trade being "Nimble Fingers" usable in curling.

Now if only I can fill up this weekend and the next so easily: Although I think I'm busting up the MOD club saturday in loo of my failure to achieve tickets to the John Orr Awards Ceremony for Queen's grads at the Royal York also going on this Saturday.

No links this post - gotta watch Jeopardy! College finals!

Walking Rage

2005-11-12T18:24:00.000-05:00

Road Rage is dumb.

- "Grr! Drive less... stupid. Ly."

Okay, so that picture may not be the most aptly suited to my argument, because it looks like a real pile up, but I just like the correlation between the large metal object not too dissimilar from a screw and the man's Frankenstein-esque expression and physique. Did he take that out of his neck to swing with?

But think of it this way. There's a reason why people don't have "Street-Rage" or "Walking-Rage" and it's because it's incredibly rude and, well, dangerous. Can you imagine being trapped behind a slow moving eldery couple on a narrow sidewalk, and instead of just waiting for your chance to pass shouting "BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAP, BWAAAAAAAAAAAP" as loud as you can until they "got the picture" and sped up? Can you imagine yourself bitching about how slow they're going loud enough for them to hear? Can you imagine doing it behind a 6'5 guy named Toenails whose left arm has been grafted on with bobby pins?

I don't see complaing or honking as a legitimate response to poor driving. For God's sake, driving's a lot faster than walking, shouldn't walking people be more in a hurry? When enclosed in the four walls of a car, where their words and narcissistic bitchings can't be heard by others, people gain a petty form of courage most call, well, cowardice. Road Rage tells more about the person driving than it does the abilities of the other car. It tells if they're easy to anger, it tells if they have no respect for the particulars of other people, (say, the other car could be new to the city and looking for a street #) and it tells, if there are others in the car with them, that they rather rudely consider bitchings about being slowed up 10 extra seconds more important than your conversation. The walking example is best, outside of the protection of the car you wouldn't act this way. Is this the face of the everyday human when given anonimity?

Honking is the funniest because it is so nondescript. When something tees you off you press a button that emits a loud noise. The pitch never changes. Sound never changes. Only the duration can be used to connotate anything, and even then - extremely long means "pissed off" and extremely short means "pissed off." It's kind of funny that two 'soft' ones in a row somehow implies a friendlier vibe.

Next time I'm behind some people walking slowly in the street I'm going to start onomatopoeically honking at them. They'd probably find it weird for some reason.

Increase your RoManhood

2005-11-09T21:18:00.000-05:00

You know what I don't get?
Junk mail ads for penis enlargement.

I mean, this has to be the worst marketting strategy on the face of the planet. Suggesting that my penis isn't large enough is NOT a catalyst for 'winning-me-over.' In fact, if you did that on the street, it'd be a catalyst for a bloody nose and a concerned rant to any passing females. You see, for those of you who don't know about this cool thing called email and the spam that comes with it, such emails will say things like: 'ahdjaas bigger penis! sdhsd' or, more accurately to my mockery, 'Increa$3 your manhood guyz.'

Why not go with the equally debasing, "You sir. You look like a man with a small penis, want to make it bigger so you can finally please a woman?" Somehow I doubt this would work either. Maybe it's just a tough product to push, but insulting your customers you'd think would get you off on the wrong foot.

Imagine a dating service, another spam-esque operation, having it's subject line as:
"Hey loser, you look like women flee from you. Come to our dating service where you might actually make something of yourself you worthless guttersnipe.." I know that's all there hidden in the undercurrent, except maybe that guttersnipe jibe, but if an email had that as its come-on, I don't think many males would partake. And of course this tirade isn't even taking into account 'Make your breasts bigger' spam.
http://www.joelminty@hotmail.com <--- I'm not a girl! J-O-E-L. But I guess since spam is computer automated, such mis-logic will never be acted upon. But still, I find it funny to laugh that daily porn star Peter North probably gets dozens of spam suggesting he 'increase his girth.'

Meanwhile, Civ III continues to bother me.
It's deep, which makes it interesting, and I also believe that's the root of why it's so addictive. But I wish it had a save prompt, or something, because I'm AlWAYS forgetting to save. I go extended periods of peace without saving because, well, why should I? I'm not attacking anyone. Then someone invades me randomly and it's too late. I traded SO much crap to Greece over the last game, we even allied up to war on the British - which ended when we both signed peace agreements. Then, for some reason, within a few decades they decide they hate us and backstab me. Oh well. At least the computer's read Machiavelli.

I still always feel skimped on battles. Maybe it's my enjoyment of Warcraft 3 and Medieval Total War which causes this. I'm generally more of a warlord than an entraprenuer, although I love empire building as well. But at least in medieval, when the battles happened I had direct control - even if I felt my army broke ridiculously soon, or that enemy units should've died more, or whatever. At least I was the hand that guided the fight. By the numbers is annoying to begin with. It's even more annoying when in order to not make the game really easy, the numbers system has to be skewed a bit. Now I'm sure everyone goes, "Yeah right" to that - but empirical testing is how things work and in my experience defending 1.2.1 spearmen of the computer get ridiculous bonusses for no reason. Is there a reason? Tell me. There aren't any little fortresses built, I'll tell you that. Legionary's have 3. Longbows 4. If we're rolling dice, or some other formula, a legionary should hit 1/2 the time, while a spearman defend 1/3 of a time. It just doesn't play out like this. So there must be other factors. Or there's something built in like in the EA NHL games wherein if it's late in the game the computer is STRUCTURED to score goals to make things 'exciting.' The problem is, of course, if you're playing EXTRA well, you can't thwart this because the game 'decides' to let ridiculous shots in from miles away in accordance with its rules of difficulty. I handle random goals a lot better in the 2nd, let me tell you. Anyone who's played a full season of an EA NHL game after learning it well surely has to agree. In 2003 (I think) they finally admitted it, and called it "Heroes" and gave them to your team. Funnily, they never worked as well for you.

It's bending the rules to make the difficulty more accurate. It's ok, in the long run, because it makes things more 'realistic' (AKA, in NHL hockey it means you lose a bunch of games - which is good in the long run, but unfair in the short - and in CIV it means the game takes a long time to learn and to adapt to its rules before you can dominate - but sacrifices some logic at the micro level to do so) It's basically a case of choosing macro over micro - which is fine, and usually makes for fine games, but can be VERY frusterating in particulars. I've sworn off any EA NHL hockey game forever on this account. Unless they fix things up.

I think I'll give CIV 3 one more try, now that I learned a lot from my last run at things. It's not a huge loss if I don't get into it, my friends who have been view it as an affliction anyway.

Of course, this should be taken with a grain of saltpeter.

Civ III

2005-11-06T11:34:00.000-05:00

I just don't get Civ III:

Like, is it me? Or is this game retarded? The lameness stems from how the computer doesn't have to run their socieities like you do. They never get revolts. They always allow neighboring countries to let their settlers and troops wander through their lands, but if you're in there for one turn and don't pay them cash they'll whig out on you and send tons of units through 3 countries just to get to your lands. The politics is ridiculous. There's no point talking to anyone. Even when I've defeated 20 Babolonians in a row, basically, and captured 3 cities they still act like they're winning the war.

And here's my main beef. I thought I'd gotten it all figured out. Play nice, get a good economy, then build and army and attack. So I do, I send upwards of 5 legionarys and pikemen to about four different cities on my Babolonian border. 3 fall, and become mine, the other resists with retardly powerful spearmen. Don't get me wrong, I don't mind giving the homeside an advantage in battles - but spearmen regulars have 3 hp and are '2' for defense. My legonarys have '3' for offense and usually are veterans or elites. Yet can they beat these idiot 2-turn-to-build spearmen? No. They just kind of... suck... because you're got no control over the battles once the numbers start getting crunched. I'd send 5 legonarys and they'd kill ONE spearman, then another one would just appear and the fort would still not be mine. This simply isn't mathmatically accurate. I don't know whether I accidentally built the 'Your-Units-Suck' building, or what, but my soldiers are pathetic compared to theirs, despite numerical supperiority (in both #'s and quality). And no, they aren't actually pikemen or musketeers - they're actually just spearmen.

Now this crap I can get over, because I'm running some thick production and can create legonarys in 5 cities within 3 turns, all on the borders. So I send more men in to choke the enemy with my blood, ala Russia in 1918. But the STUPIDEST thing about the game is that your people, halfway through a war, decied to revolt against you because they want peace.

Ok.

1) If you want to get something done, you've got to keep fighting until they are dead - otherwise without you having ANY possible chance of opposing it, the towns you've taken will depose their governor and you'll be back to square one. No extra towns - all the armies you had in those cities "disappeared."

2) I don't know why fighting miles away disrupts cities I've got on an island even farther away.

3) The SECOND city I built ever, Thrax, riots over war along with all the ones we've taken in battle. I can understand the concept of the townspeople getting upset at being occupied, but my Thacians are the core of my empire. They should be MINE, hand and foot.

4) We're talking 1460 a.d. here. NO ONE said "Give peace a chance." Fuck, no one barely says that NOW if you look around the world. Populaces don't riot because their country is in war for half a century. They'll have known nothing else! Or, for that period of history, their lifespan would've expired at around 50 years anyway. This isn't Vietnam. There aren't cameras. I mean, I'm not running a democracy here. This is not historically accurate and it just breaks up your fun of actually expanding.

5) How are you supposed to run a military campaign if the longer you go, the angrier and less productive your good wholesome cities get, and when you break for peace the other sides 'cultural prowess' (despite not having built SHIT in 100 years do to my blockades and their need for troops) simply takes back every city you've captured and destroys your men within it.

Like, how much time do you have to give the other country to power up while your citizens decide they can handle a war again? Shouldn't they only want peace if you're LOSING and lots of people are dying? What do they care that arrogant neighboring nations are being rampaged? It'll provide more land for them and make them happier.

I want to get stuff done while still in the past. I can't see myself enjoying the future and contemporary timeperiods of the game half as much as the olden days. But I'm afraid the best I could do before having industrialization is take out one neighbor - assuming his super-spearmen don't bitch out a win.

Civ 3 is fun, mostly in the production aspects of the game. When you get to how it fundamentally runs I think it's pretty ridiculous. Now, people are going to come on here and talk about how bazillions of people love it so it can't be that far off - but I suppose you've just got to buy into IT'S system for how things run, instead of using your head and realizing the game is heavy-handed.

It just seems like maybe they could've beta tested more than five times to get some A.I. going.
Or maybe I'm just coming too much from a Wacraft p.o.v. wherein everything's been beta tested to a tee and you've got control over whether your units defeat the computer or not.

Mr. Minty, in the Bedroom, with the Lead Gripe

2005-11-02T21:46:00.000-05:00

I think I did my favorite piece down at SDI today. The movie Ten Little Indians.

It's an Agatha Christie book put to tape, and therefore a gruesome bloodbath of a porno that turns into a mystery. Well, at least I got the last part right.

It's very mysterious, even so far as to say, terribly mysterious. The joy from it comes from the same source which eminated from The Moonstone (read it now?) by Wilkie Collins which I read last year about this time. Pure, pure, mystery. No hodgepodge of action and suspense scenes thrown in. No random nudity to keep bored viewers from realizing the movie has NO legitimate epiphanies (aka, Wild Things), and no actor who plays villains so frequently that as soon as you spot him, you know he's the bad guy even though he's nice now (Thanks, Snake Eyes)

We need more movies like this. Whatever happened to the excitement being from trying to figure it out before they do? Now the twists are either far fetched or subsidiary to T, A, and a whole lot of exploding. Of course we could step out of the 1965 movie fundamentalism that decrees the male and female lead exceed lifewise. Maybe something like that John Cusack movie nobody saw about the killer, or something, and the motel with people all born on the same day or some crap. You know, except interesting.

The Moonstone is an even finer example, stepping the line between being the 1st mystery novel ever, and therefore creating the genre - and simultaneously stepping FROM the genre - as any good mystery must to be, well, a mystery. Anything that follows the mystery genre too precisely and it will no longer be a mystery now will it?

Meanwhile, Ball got me CIV 3 for my computer, so my nights are filled with the arduous task of making my populace happy while my food burns on the stove and my eyes pixcelate.

If only Everyone Dated Harvard Students...

2005-10-28T14:01:00.000-04:00

I miss the days when after school the only choice you had to make was whose house to go to. So-and-so had a good TV, but so-and-so rented Mario Kart yesturday and has it until Thursday. Now, it always seems like everything you do is wasting time in some form - because time has become a much more precious commodity. You're never maximizing the amount of joy you COULD be having at any given time - and if you are, you're certainly not appreciating it enough. Because you don't mull on it, you just enjoy it. It's a friday afternoon, I just got off work at one, which was productive, put my second paycheck in the bank, and figured out my issues with my phone bill. Now I'm cooking a tasty lunch. Yet as I sat thinking about what to write on I couldn't help thinging that posting at all was a waste of my time. Then I asked myself what I'd replace it with on this nice friday afternoon, and I had no answer wherein the time I'd spend was more valuable. Even now, when I'm honestly in a better mood than usual, there's a weight to improve instead of to enjoy.

But I guess that's life. My parents just enjoy now, not improve. They've improved enough. I guess when you're retired you can start appreciating things a little more.

Subsidiary Thought:
There's a running theme in culture of people who are well off not being happy. Why is this so? Is it purely to keep people who aren't well off satisfied enough with their position they don't want to climb? Is there truth to it, as everyone can think of someone with much who complains about all? I'm doing The Cutting Edge right now at SDI, and the relationship makes me puke. Although, to be fair, it is from 1992. Her boyfriend goes to Harvard and has a bla-bla-bla in fancy-dance-something. But the guy you know she'll fall for by the end of the movie is Joe-blow hockey player. Sound familiar? Even if you haven't seen it? That's because movies FREQUENTLY have snooty seem-to-be-good boyfriends who have all the technical prowess but are dicks. Note Doug, in the movie, the hockey player, is a big tart ALSO - but this is somehow besides the point. His cruelty is somehow endearing to our heroine, which would frusterate me: If the heroine herself wasn't such a frosty bitch. They play up the "They don't like each other" SO bad at the start, it's ridiculous. I don't like either of them and can't see how anyone would root for our girl and guy combo to actually come around. The only thing good about it is that they both won't infect two OTHER people with their heartless narcissism.

I noticed this in Touched by an Angel too.
And NO - you're not getting a link for that one.

I'm tired of 'romantic' movies always having the Ex be a jerk. Or, more often, the 'current' boyfriend/girlfriend - thwarting our happy couples happy union. It doesn't work that way. Other men and women aren't innately evil spawns of Satan. This just plays into media shellshocking way too easily. Few movies I have ever seen had the couple get together at the end and one additonal guy or girl just be OUT of FUCKING LUCK. But that's how things are. I'm not going to find some girl who is dating a total jackass and slowly coerce her into a relationship because I'm charmingly simple. If she's any good TO BEGIN WITH she'll most definitely be dating a pretty stand-up guy. If only everyone in the world were dating snooty Harvard students - it'd be so EASY to sweep them out from under their noses.

Because after all, he's accomplished and intelligent - by popular culture he HAS to be cold, mean, or socially inept.

I bet you didn't think THAT'd be the conclusion upon reading the title of this entry.

Screeeenshots!

2005-10-24T15:20:00.000-04:00

Not too many, but for the The Sword and the Fish enthusiasts out there, I've added some nifty screenshots of my upcoming release HERE. Hope both of you enjoyed it.

As for the rest of you bitches who need to be whipped into knowing what's good for you, come check out some Minty-fresh screenshots from my opus, right HERE.

Kung-Fu Night Watch Kittens Protect the Innocent

2005-10-24T13:56:00.000-04:00

And by "The Innocent" I mean Pope Innocent XIII.

I've decided to go back to my roots and be funny for funny's sake. Over time being single and generally lonesome therefore weighs down any exterior motive like a cinder block tied to your ankles. I sometimes started hating the very things I used to love to create, didn't want to produce anything of marginal interest for the blog, felt their lack of drawing power was a hinderance to my more important plights. But this didn't really help either, because I'd become miserable for different subsidiary reasons. But then I'd go and add a Samurai Jack section to my blog and somehow feel like it was a step backwards towards my general daily disposition.

Well nuts to that. Relationships are such tiny and fickle things. You chat with someone for 4-5 years on the same subjects and all you learn is that people just plain don't see eye to eye on all things - and that it's much easier to profess to anothers rudeness or inability to cope than it is to your own. After all, they're not coping well with ME (So who said anything about trying to cope with them?)

Thus, this happens.

Now that may seem rather... curious. But indeed it is truth.

There are times when I wished I'd never started going to the gym at all and spending tedious hours there, for I could have been wallowing in my media-oppulent lifestyle back at home. Then would I feel so bad, having no CHANCE to achieve my objectives? Surely then, it is not so upsetting when none of them are achieved. They were unrealistic to begin with - let's put on Paintball mode and multi The Stack.

There are other times when I wished I'd started going to the gym way earlier, like in highscool, when I spent most of my recently-moved-to-Peterborough time doing nothing besides being idle. That was the most key time to do it. That whole first semester was a write-off anyway, why not get running? Then would things have turn out better?

There are other times when I don't wish anything, and when I'm quite happy with how things have gone. But this feeling is always overridden by a terrible state of perceived bad luck. Would that I rather have the power in my hands?

But of course, in rebuttal to that. ARTEMIS!

How do you make somebody like you?
Would you want to?

A Picture says a Thousand Words (Mostly Gibberish)

2005-10-19T22:16:00.000-04:00

I haven't posted any "quality" pictures in a while, so here you go:

For you Rebels:

...and for those who like to get ahead in... Monopoly?

I hope you're satisfied.

Vindication

2005-10-17T18:06:00.000-04:00

VINDICATION!

Recall my issue with Parking up the Wrong Tree?

Well the verdict is in. The charge was dropped. Thanks entirely to Mr. Grant Collins, Chris's dad, who helped me out big time in this situation. A mix CD will be made in his honour.

Going to court is exciting when you're innocent. I had the utmost confidence that the charge would be dropped, but the traffic ticketer made it interesting by actually taking us to court, instead of settling out of court upon seeing the evidence. So I got to sit with Mr. Collins as he defended me and worked on the traffic cop. Then I took the stand myself, and swore on the Bible and everything. I answered pretty succinctly. I wanted to add a point that ALL other traffic signs are 45 degrees so they can easily be read from the road, while this one ran perpendicular. I couldn't speak, only answer questions. Fortunately, the judge himself made the same comment in his closing remarks - before dropping the charge and saving me 300 $. (Or I guess 231$ since I spent 27 on the bus ride back and lost 44 from the short shift I missed at work)

So wow. It was exciting. I feel like a big man.
Even more importantly, I stutted down college with my full suit on, headset, shades, carryall bag on one shoulder and an acoustic guitar in the other hand. DAMN did I not look like a baddass. Government Agent by day, Revolutionary Hipster by night.

Good News for People who like Good News

2005-10-10T19:01:00.000-04:00

Even more revamps have taken place lately. Could this be due to my new dismissive attitude towards games and actually fun stuff to do on the computer? Surely my loyal audiance shall reap the benefits there of.

Although, as I blaggardly brag about my new set-up ACTUAL new set-up has occured over HERE.

So Thanksgiving is over and it is time to return to life beyond a cold cottage and the smell of motor oil as we put boats away. Actually, this year was surprisingly warm and nice out - usually Jack Frost is there in the flesh beating me with a block of stinky ice. But it was nice to "get back to nature" at least once before settling in to Toronto for good. My parents are doing the exact opposite, as a few days from now they are taking a festive vacation to The Grand Canyon. Many wishes of fortuitous footing and plentiful pictures.

Expect changes in THIS section of the site coming soon, I've met a 'contact' with whom I share keen musical taste who has informed me he'll keep me up to par with the current awesome in music.

I also added a TOP TEN SAMURAI JACK EPISODES section for your learning pleasure. We try to keep things educational around here. Before casting this off as just another cartoon, if you've never seen it, give it a chance and view the most beautiful cinematography known to TV, let alone animation.

Here's some screen shots that I didn't use:

- Talk about a 'Hunka-Hunka-Burning-SPEAR!'

- A most common nightmare.

- Ultrabots? Ultrabodacious!

- Split screens are a Genndy Tartakovsky trademark.

- The hunt is on.

Hope everyone comes out to my random party tomorrow night. Tuesday, 9:00pm @ The Green Room, Bloor + Brunswick (I think) except you've got to enter via the alley south of Bloor.

Fixor'd

2005-10-04T13:58:00.000-04:00

I fixed a lot of crap! Check out the additional pieces now offered in the Writing section. The previous 'PoetryNook' links may no longer work. But tough shizzle.

Also: Digest these bad-ass maps!

DIGEST!

Aram, the 'Get Busy' advocate

2005-10-04T13:18:00.000-04:00

"I need to retool this piece of crap!"

My blog is rusty like a nail named Rusty. Stuff is outdated! Studio Q link? It doesn't work! Radiobomb Spotlight mp3s? They're down long ago. Tristan Moran? He's not my friend!

And why is it poetry nook and not writing nook? I have lots more writing than I do poetry. And writing is easy to host. Modifications are to follow! I don't have time for posting due to the 'tech' work required. Although I have all afternoon because SDI didn't pay me... AGAIN. So long bus ticket back to Peterborough for Thanksgiving.

Moving On.

2005-10-03T14:03:00.000-04:00

Okay, so, poetry done it's time for this blog to progress forwards:

Into the realm of hockey pool. My team rocks, definitely the best one of the 9.

1. Naslund
2. Nash
3. Jagr
4. Fedorov
5. Kovalev
6. Samsonov
7. Kariya
8. Allison
9. Zhamnov
10. Prospal
11. Langkow
12. Mogilny
13. Johnson
14. Redden
15. Rafalski

Hopefully it gets off to a good start Wednesday night when hockey begins.

'In the Eyes of the Idol Dog' is now available in the poetry section of the blog.

Idol Dog: Canto 5, "The Statue of Dog"

2005-10-03T13:49:00.000-04:00

In the Eyes of the Idol Dog

Verse 5: The Statue of Dog

A thousand veins ran holy mild,

A thousand more burst out hot red.

The Voice careened throughout my head

Sheparding the scripture I’d left wild.

I felt as though this mantle shale

Held me pale, and encompassed all

My very mind, my very weight,

For active thought could permeate

Not through the doctrine of this wall.

Ai’Un shriked; I clamped, it was wicked still.

His blade burst into ideas sour,

And all the strength left the lord of hours,

For the wall did entomb his mind,

Though free within, his fate revealed

No future: not without sublime,

He’d spilt his insides inside out,

As he realized every single lie,

Which he’d been told and had believ’d,

That weren’t the lies of the deceived,

But truths which dulled and useless made,

The sharper edge of his vorpal blade,

So shrieked and shrieked his voice it shook

Like a tempted being upon a hook.

But lost was Ai’Un’s voice on me,

Solidified by my static stance,

I bored a hole straight into Hell,

Using my eyes and power to see

To grip my gaze, and my eyes weld,

Upon the source which creat’d my cell.

A chain shot forth from root of tree

Grasping my neck and holding firm,

It wrenched me back against its bark,

But my eyes they never left the spark

Of power, which I saw beyond

This mortal statue’s tepid bower,

The blood-soil parched! The glade decayed,

As life was driven from the lush,

All whittled were the needles fine,

The leaves fell off in a mighty rush

And crackled and screamed about my feet,

Made desolate, brittle, shackled, and weak.

And from the corpse the earth did sow

The statue of Dog, an Idol woe

It rumbled as thunder upon the peak,

A gray matted titan now to me revealed,

And known to all under its heel.

The Anubis drew itself up to speak,

And heralded to me these edicts nine:

“It was so and thus it must be,

Believe the weight of shame endued

Upon thy guilty, guilty, mind,

Find a faith in a faithless kind,

Drink from the cup misconstrued,

Why burn the bridges of delight?

When offered is the needed light?

Mark down the Devil as offence,

Don’t think – believe – Don’t listen so

Close to the dead diseased events,

Which mar the scores of males, though

The female aches from sores and rents,

Deeper than sin, and baser than low.

Know it not for what it is,

What it could be more? His

Is not the gamble best made known!

To the ninth edict listen and etch,

Upon your mind the reins of thought,

That do not envenom but berate

The aimless and anarchic beams,

Ideas better left unchecked.

To what need we to compensate?

For what One Life often redeems;

Is but ashes of a freedom wrecked.”

Into the dirg’d fur and skin,

Of lofty spires all akin,

I lost the gleam and lost the bless,

Fell forward, my thoughts bereft,

Unshackled by the Idol Dog

From my rooted collar’s board,

But left with choice a melting word

That’s effect set myself a fog,

And cries and cries that went unheard,

Into the glorious and brilliant night,

A darkness; bright with visceral words,

And od’rless, invisible, silent clasps,

Held my mind in a tepid dune,

Of mental anguish fading fast,

Soon to be undancing – soon.

And soon to be forgotten too.

For once you’ve stepped upon the Isle of Dog,

The most mighty cleave, and honest rod,

Cannot connect through insipid fog,

And sever the connection between man and _____

Idol Dog: Canto 4, 'The Garden of Dog'

2005-09-28T21:17:00.000-04:00

Here's part four of In the Eyes of the Idol Dog.

In the Eyes of the Idol Dog

Verse 4: The Garden of Dog

Not Eden, but perhaps a prayer

Or multitudes could get it there,

I felt a dew in tawny stream,

That settled almost noiselessly,

Alight and seem’d I was in a dream,

Lost amongst the senses surreal

That reached out to this garden vale,

And knew the tastes and smells and scent,

Of inner vision evanescent.

What lowly scribe did this pollute?

With mighty pen, concentrat’d mind,

By rend’ring the garden absolute,

And cursed by thee o’er vast time,

For memory lies in mankind’s head,

Where from the flora its life force bled,

To steal from leaves, and from the vines,

What beauty they had once entwined!

T’is no longer here and hard to find.

The statue rested amongst the trees

In a greed-loud glade wherein above,

The canopy was lost afor,

It reached the extent which vision frees,

I stepped amongst the structur’d lore,

And fell at once upon my knees.

How base, how terminal, how wicked words

Could flay my wits and mistook steps,

Assault my skull ‘s audacity

Like sacral knives of alacrity.

To flight my tears took; I wept,

And flung back my stab at pitiful souls

Smothered by gospel text well-kept,

And kept below the towering soles,

As I now felt within my breast

The weight of guilt made duplicitous.

And at its core I then descried

A voice that came in booming snide.

“Heretic! Damned sinner of Earth,

The time has come to reap your sow,

And place within the words you know,

To belie the revolution’s worth!

Long time I’ve waited to bestow

Upon your soul malfarious mirth,

To suckle your mind and clench my thirst,

And wean you to an empty soul!”

---------------------------

Car Roasted, Pool Roest'd

2005-09-26T13:07:00.000-04:00

The hockey pool is upon us! Here are five rules for every hockey pool:

1. Don't pick Stacy Roest.

2. No matter how good your team looks in December, you're bound to have plentiful injuries by January.

3. Whoever trash talks the most wins a secondary non-budgetted victory.

4. Don't pick based off last year's stats.

5. If the payout if really low you can often badger the victor into putting the money towards booze.

Hockey season is set to rock my socks. I like most all of the rule changes and shootouts will be exciting since ties are boring. The teams are so random this year it should be a very close race. My money is on the Hamilton Ti-Cats, the latest expansion team. Gooooo Ti-Cats!

Additionally, I officially hate Moonlighting for what it has done at work. For those who don't know, this exciting bippy of 1980's comedy/adventure features Cybil Sheppard and Bruce Willis. Yes, that's right, when he had hair. They talk SO FAST it's impossible to caption. I've spent 7.5 hours on a 26 minute tape so far, and still not done. Fortunately I was granted reprieve because I've got to do an episode of Weeds by wednesday. HBO is usually pretty pretentious, but at least it's not infuriating or sickening like most dated television shows somehow captivating an audiance enough to deserve a DVD series. Although to be honest, Willis can be pretty funny.

I went to Homecoming at the Q this weekend. It was fun, but seemed done. I guess there's only so many times you can wander about in a thick crowd on Aberdeen before you realize you're not chatting with your good friends for they're lost in the thicket. And cops were everywhere so there was minimal drinking. Also, we were locked out. It's gotten out of control lately too, as it becomes more of a tradition and louts from other campuses show up to wreck shit. A car got flipped and possibly burned. Never substantiated that rumour. But hanging out with Raki was fun, although I got motion-sickness.

Now I leave you for the trek to the Loblaws.

Journalists Gone Wild

2005-09-20T13:32:00.000-04:00

So: Collins calls me up saying he wants to write a scathing article for the paper about a recent "Girls Gone Wild" filming on Richmond street. Sounds like a larf to me, so we set out. At first we were sorely disappointed. It was only a line of suspicious looking males, that, as we arrived, began to proceed inwards. In the name of journalistic integrity Collins wanted to bravely adventure inwards, feeling he couldn't write an article on such a filmsy outside atmosphere. But be that as it may, neither of us could stomach the idea of being around/in/involved with such a place. So eventually our stomachs got the better of us and we left and saw Transporter 2. It cost money anyway, and Chris still owes me 12$.

We saw the movie and returned along the same street as the so-called party. When waiting at the lights, what did arrive but a MOLSON ROCKS limo with 4 sketched-out, possibly overweight, under-age, and most assurdily under-dignified blonde harlots - rubbing their breasts together and fondeling each other variously. At this the lesbien tension in the air suggested to me that perhaps we had found a "Girls Gone Wilde" party. The hooting and the hollering assaulted our ears for a few moments as some street walkers cheered. Unfortunately for our 'beautiful damzels' their cacophony ALSO attracted the notice of the police, and soon after the light turned green a squad car pulled them over.

Now I found this increasingly funny. Collins had his article in 2 minutes outside the place. It was summarized perfectly. Quiet, sketchy beginnings. Loud bousterous floozies, then an arrest. We continued past and can only imagine what happened within the limo once the cops got talking. I assume Snoop Dog himself was within, but when he sensed trouble he said, "Shizzle, menizzle, this party's tizzle" and puffed on a huge blunt making such a expansive cloud of smoke that the Dogfather was enveloped by it and disappeared like by smokebomb.

Meanwhile I bought 2 more CDs:
Muse: Showbiz
Muse: Origin of Symmetry

Both are imports so they cost a pretty penny, but I felt I should own the other two albums of the band I totally adore.

In Closed-Captioning news, I'm CCing Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children. It's pretty damn cool so far - it chronicles the lives of the characters from FF7 the video game post victory, and it has the stylized graphics of the other FF movie. Flawless computer graphics.

Idol Dog: Canto 3, 'The Temple of Dog'

2005-09-19T18:57:00.000-04:00

Here's Canto 3 of 'In the Eyes of the Idol Dog', hope someone reads it at some point.

In the Eyes of the Idol Dog

Verse 3: The Temple of Dog

I contend that this shall not be,

And am answered “Thy cannot see,

What beautiful life of symmetry,

Can make a scowl from harm or foul?”

Emblazon’d columns rose up high,

The mighty Temple pierced the sky

With its adornments burning bright,

In th’ golden slumber of this new light.

For Thalassa slept, yet Aither woke,

And her tyrant brother dumbly spoke,

And flooded was th’ Temple with his voice

To which the hooded ones rejoiced,

But she in sleep shed tears alone,

For now it was quite plainly shown,

Her abuse; and the sea he’d stol’n.

Bright the liquid light did shine,

As searched to purge the palisade

Of darkness crept unwanted near,

Though infinite, it missed it here

For always were there subtle cracks,

In chalice and in pendant wave,

Which t’ darkness left light a slave,

And mistrustful of attack.

Mammon play’d on my heart’s lyre,

And churned in me a sordid fire,

Which burnt to etch a rich desire,

But radiance shant bade me hence,

And scoffed I, though be it dire,

That this daemon be the consequence,

For if the gilded walls could tempt,

Far from this Isle I would be kept.

Under the dome Aither withdrew,

And rows of hood’d ones did stand,

Row by row with eyeless brand,

Watching not where my feet did go.

But humming an imperceptible low,

Each solely small, yet together grown,

‘Till rumbling filled the long-stretched hall,

And echo’d back for one and all,

A warm and cloaking murmur of

Thoughts of self and thoughts of love.

Bereft of eyes do hood’d ones see

Far better than the likes of me?

The carpet rich stretched underfoot,

Weaved together from left-o’er soot,

One did reach out to take my hand,

But from the air an elder formed,

Gripping the hood, he brandish’d lost

The son, which he’d not ston’d to mourn

Not for activity, but flesh and bone,

The son was crippled and the cost,

Shed not one tear from th’ Elder’s own

Speckled eye watch’d with fever’d scorn,

The boy now mangl’d on the floor.

Done the apparition faded,

But the hooded were left un-jaded,

For oft they’d seen this thing before,

And credit to a faithless kind,

What I allocate to a life left blind.

At last I came upon the nun,

Who held the gates and held her tongue,

And she was called by name ‘No-One’,

For nothing spake when nothing cried,

If not to the potent judge inside.

The entrance to the last garden stood,

And sacral vestment hung like men

Around the gate, as if left in th’ sun

To be pitched by carrion to their young,

But solemn did the mother stand,

And placed two flowers in each hand,

As though she knew what must be done,

But kept up hope where faith begun,

To heretically drive me from the land,

But looking in my eyes went numb,

For knew the day was not yet won.

I strode past with AiUn marching high,

His vorpal blade unfettered so,

When chance to strike I may provide,

He would be ready to ensure the blow.

But ceased I as I passed and kiss’d,

The nun’s wrinkl’d carapace,

Above her eyes which seemed to sigh,

But accepting of time for now she hung

Like vestments – for she had no tongue.
----------------

I originally intended for 7 Cantos, but concluded too quickly for that. Thus the Temple becomes the center piece. I suppose it is fitting.

Idol Dog: Canto 2, 'The Steps of Dog'

2005-09-15T18:17:00.000-04:00

Here's the second Canto, probably my favorite.

In the Eyes of the Idol Dog

Verse 2: The Steps of Dog

An opening viewed itself through me,

An aged staircase archaically wrought

Of terracotta milk it was

Once ebbed, meant now just to have got

Me forth above the brim, and Sea-

Level penance I’ve walked afar.

Likening to my foot my resolve now felt

A greater step towards its fate,

And begun I began to banish thought

Of th’ vast wood left to meditate.

Near half-way peaked I trod in soot,

That fell like spoil from Thalassa’s breast,

Bereft of health and ston’ed mute

She cried twisted tears of unrest.

Shriveled the water was of her ocean,

It clogged the chest and err’d in motion.

I unlashed my good guide book and read

Of beasts and monsters which slither’ed

Most often by the way of rain,

To subtly inject the vain with pain

And allay them from ascent this way.

I read of Dracaenae, Typhon,

Of succubus and Manticore,

But strange within I noticed how

Not one of th’ fiends those names they bore.

A hammer struck, and th’ book I tossed

O’er the edge of the milky firm,

As th’ sky broke out in a deluge of floss

Soot came heavy with like-minded gauze.

Determin’d to tread where must be tread

And listen not-close to those long dead,

On the very first step I heard well-said,

“Behold the eyes of the Idol Dog

And belie your thought of a wheel-less cog.”

On this step I did Orthus meet,

Who bared and barred with fierce array,

Of mandibles, heretics set to bae

Razor-sharp diviners of Pagantry.

I held my weapon in high esteem

Yet feared this fight it may cease to gleam,

So carefully I backeth’d away,

Afor yon beast in concert sway’d,

“Proclaim thyself and place thy vision,

Between the pages of dust and limber

Minds now manacled to precious timber

Devoid of wit and in need of revision.

T’is of the pride of stars to think

They light the sky and afear the night

When eclipsed they are oft by the moon!

And in terrible depression sink,

Into the realm of sin; the land of doom.

How cancerous thy de-basement eats,

Into the bosom of the Lord,

T’ruin such a solid state,

Of sanction which even does entreat

Repentance! And replacement in the sky,

To shine once bless’d absent pride,

Again without the thorny eye,

And truth thou shalt not then deride.”

So spake the Erythraean dog,

And in silence waited, so I

With haste replied,“Teach me not,

Already have I been drenched in soot,

Thou imprisoning pages shant deny

The power of perceptibility.

What fault do shining stars engage,

To suffer thus misguided rage?

If e’er one sank low zodiac’s girth,

Would not it simply shine on Earth?

To brighten this begotten score,

Of crapulence in the clergy-spores,

Revolving round their empty core.

I shudder to think of rounded mirth.”

Panting, pulsing, salivating too,

The beast exhaled a storm of weather,

Yet somehow managed to stay together.

It asked, “What manner of man be you?”

To which I met “One who hasn’t let

The fears of an end of time undo,

Who little is left to follow-through,

For AiUn may thrive while at my side,

But when my number has been called,

I shant cry out, nor caterwaul.

In envy of those I’ll be who died

Living in seamless harmony!”

And as I quoth I looked him in

The eye and staring he widen’d whole,

Until in him a greater vision freed.

And unlike weighted branches yon

His fur rose to up a boiling state,

Lifting leaves which had lain so long,

Quickly awakening the sands

That shapely pour about one life,

And leave it moments to disband

Its rambling thoughts, awake and ripe.

Now culled I forward made to level,

Upon the altar called the throne,

Where the Idol of Dog did rest,

Enraptured in its existence bless’d,

With view o’er thought within its zone,

The Isle of branches turn’d to bone.
-----------------
Stay tuned for part 3: The Temple of Dog.

A Bird Flew into my Foot + I Almost got Hit by a Car

2005-09-15T17:58:00.000-04:00

On the way home a few days ago a bird totally flew into my foot.
Yesturday I almost got hit by a car I stepped in front of on Bathurst.
Neither are connected - beyond the fact Bathurst involves collisions, some dangerous to me, some to tiny flying things. Deffinitely something to ponder.

I saw my buddy GRAHAM CAMPBELL for the first time in years last night, deffinitely chill times. For sure I shall soon pay back the beer I owe, and hit up some baseball or something. Jam it out old school (And by old school in mean 'Input/Output' + 'The Dark Wrath')

I also downloaded the best ringtone for my phone. Period. To learn what it is you've got to hang around me when it goes off. 'Cause I won't link.

Hartford is coming this weekend. Dragonboating all weekend again. Making some money, hopefully. The last TWO times I worked festivals for Great White North they told me after-the-fact I was going to get less money than originally figured. Hmmph. As of now, I DON'T intend on hitting up Philedelphia, the final one of the season two weeks from now. I need more time to chillax. I'm already missing a party this friday, apparently.

In other news, today I close-captioned the first reel of 'THE EXORCISM OF EMILY ROSE.'
This is extra funny if you know me well and my disdain for horror movies. I figured I'd be whiggin' out from it, right there in the middle of the room, but it wasn't so bad. In fact, the ads make it look much scarier than it really is. It's actually a court-room drama movie. Odd, eh? But possesion stuff is still messed.

Next: Part two of my Epic Poem.

Idol Dog: Canto 1, 'The Forest of Dog'

2005-09-14T00:50:00.000-04:00

So, without further ado, here is the first Canto of the Epic Poem I wrote this spring when inspired by my recent work in Milton and Percy Bysshe Shelley. There are 5 Cantos overall, this one entitled 'The Forest of Dog.' The 4th stanza is my favorite.

In the Eyes of the Idol Dog

Verse I: The Forest of Dog

In the land upon the vapid isle

Where tree nor fur is exemplar,

Oft times it seems at though beguiled,

But lest time leaves life agnostic,

T’is covered, and pure thought defiled,

With wit brimming a miasma toxic.

Long dead these branchless sil’ouettes be,

By hand of Ai'Un, eternal champ

Of man, perhaps, but not of son

With his ever eye on everyone

Who dared step foot upon his Isle.

Who dared step foot upon the Isle of Dog.

Distraught Eos cries for thee

Or does she cry for me? I’m left

With my ideal to rot in faith,

A sickening unenvied case.

If the world-egg cast low shade

Across her seam to ere a place,

Mark by the twelve Horai the fade

It took to cast this land benign.

A fool’s term! By sickness dealt

From hands dirty upon dirty hands

That pluck and shed their mortal hairs

To revel in the eyes of Dog,

Revel in the eyes of their Idol Dog.

I contend that these things are not so,

And was answered “But it was so.

And always shall it be, forbear,

Lest down the unweaned truth you scare.”

Into the dirge’d fur and skin

Of lofty spires all akin,

I tread steadfast by dashing gleam

Through leaves long dead but rustling still,

Rallied upon this tepid morn,

Too evening still for Eos’s bless.

Yet bold swirl forth unruly mill

About my feet as herald’d horn

If did play; if indeed, t’would mourn.

Long since have the crucifix fell

With idle sticks warped and thick

Now warms with a forsaken spell

Steadfast beetles of crooked shell.

It was not for the forest floor

The sallied savior did appear.

Yet underfoot all must be crush’d

If Ai'Un is to let our fears be fears,

And set the brimming catalyst free

For the spark it sets in wearied me.

But sparks! Eos wakes, refraction ho,

What spears made-up shattered her eyes,

Through this mangl’d fence I do espy,

Stain’d glass fragments lying idly by.

That light the vapid state did shine,

And bring down this lamp of mine.

Dense though it seems t’is not so spun

To sprout more in contested weeds,

To ply the Gaia and rend the vines,

Weeds which are seeds and heft a ton

Of lines and lines better left unsung!

But thresh’d, for I must strike them so,

Because I see the lengths they go.

I contend these things cannot be so,

And am answered “But it is so.

And shall it more forever be,

Lest for fear of pricks thou flee.”

Thundering tomes, cease off I say!

Thy words do only siphon me

Of thought, but mar, A beast I’m not,

Yet liveried not enough to pray,

For hopes to end this life un-gray,

Unfettered from this world of hate.

So leave, I am want for my drink,

Yet sip from yonder spring’s to sleep

And die unafraid and unmarred.

Thus lather me thick in th’ thickest tar,

Makest me breathe and doubtless creep

Away from Eos’s refracted bog,

But not from th’ eyes of our Idol Dog.

O not from Dog leave me idle hence.

------------------
Coming soon: Canto 2, 'The Steps of Dog' - wherein our hero makes his way from the forest up the mighty steps of Dog and meets a worthy adversary.

The Triumphant Return of Zugswang

2005-09-13T18:45:00.000-04:00

IT'S BACK!

I have officially relocated to Toronto, and unofficially released my autobiography, "Joel Minty, we Hardly Knew Ye" which may hit bookstores next friday.

I'm now the proud renter of a killer apartment/room thing on Bathurst Street 15 minutes from the Annex and 15 minutes from my new job at SDI media, a closed-captioning company that does new DVDs. Life is good.

And since I got internet recently, I am able to blog aknew. Many of those I loved are gone, and many new fools have found the blog since - but a new page has turned nonetheless. Let the harlequin menagerie that is bi-antebellum Canadian society spurn forth a new wave of suavity-laden praise and prose in the form of a ridiculous blog.

I will follow this with numerous posts I've been MEANING to post about over my absense but have not. I will also be updating some sweet stuff, including the debut of my Epic High Verse Iambic Quatrameter poem entitled: In the Eyes of the Idol Dog. I'll release it one stanza at a time - but that's something for another post.

Meanwhile, today Chantelle and I cruised Younge Street for posters, hair gel, and cheap tricks. We went through EVERY poster in that giant poster store next to Sam the Record Man. Hadda be over 1,000. In the end we agreed on only 5, seeing as I didn't fawn over Orlando Bloom quite so much, and she didn't think the ALF posters were quite as powerful "babe magnets" as I seemed to believe. The first agreed upon was a classic Usual Suspects poster. The second was one of my favorite CD cover, Kid A by Radiohead. It was nice, but a little pixcelized. Then there was a MUSE poster, amazingly, but it clashed with my walls and was only okay looking. So I decided upon a Radiohead poster of the band surounded by dark with their eyes shut. It rules. Check it out in my Bathurst crib.

I'm going to need a credit card soon so I can order posters online, and the hockey pool even. I want a William Blake's Visions of the Daughters of Albion poster, or The Marriage of Heaven and Hell. Although Dali is cool too, something I know a lot about, like Romantic poetry, is better.

Anyway - I also purchased two CDs I shall check out.
Kasabian - Kasabian
+
Foo Fighters - In your Honour

I look forward to both.

Anyway, welcome back devout readers - but if Raki ever gets his website up my blog may move/be left undone. Sad but true. He asked a while ago for me to write on it with him and a few buddies, which I'd be glad to do. I'll keep you posted.

Meanwhile, enjoy the heat while it is still around! Here's a classic photo:

Obligatory Mid-Transition Post

2005-08-22T23:50:00.000-04:00

It is of some humourous irony that I actually have real NEWS to report in this post, done from Donald's lap-top at his house with no link to my photoalbum, in this 'small crap-post' as prophesized by my last one.

Two things.

1. My brother is getting married.

You heard it here first. Probably because most of my readers don't know my brother. He is now engaged to his beautiful girlfr... fiance Jane. I haven't seen the Rock yet, but I hope to - because I love Sean Connery and Alcatraz is an interesting setting for a movie. I ALSO hope to see the Ring. Because I hear it is really scary. I also want to check out the engagement ring Tyler got her.

So congratulations to both of them. My parents are going berzerk with joy. If that makes sense. We suspect the wedding might be next year sometime. No date set as of now. Tyler has made me Best-Orc.

Okay, I wrote that joke entirely for Sven.

2. I got an apartment.

546 Bathurst St. Toronto is my new residence. It's a 3 person place, but without a living room it's more like 3 apts near each other using the same bathroom and kitchen before retreating into their lockable rooms. My room is big and beautiful. Hardwood floors that are clean, 14 ft. ceilings, and 3 6 ft windows with pretty curtains sure to woo the femmes. It's a rather nice place. It's close to Bloor and campus and my work. Chantelle and I timed a 25 minute walk from her place to mine, and a 16 minute walk from my place to work.

So most is well in the kingdom of Minty.
Parts 1 and 2 of 'The Mission' are complete.
Happy birthday to Evan, maxin' in Taiwan and teaching English like it's going out of style.

Things Change

2005-08-14T14:49:00.000-04:00

Well, today's my last day in Peterborough - but AS I write this Jon Jeffereys just phoned and is in town! So a BIG brouhaha is in order, both for his return and my exit. Surely Peterborough is worse off in the exchange.

But my blogging may diminish. In fact, I doubt you'll hear from me until I get a room somewhere in Toronto and set up my internet. Unless it is a tiny crap-blog-post. So this is my big goodbye.

GOODBYE!

Not only is this a 'big' goodbye, it's a 'blue' goodbye - which I bet you didn't see coming. But now, because I know you are full of woe, I present 4 screenshots from the up and coming blockbuster 'Action Gods' created by the Bogus Cinema Church of Norway (aka, my brother and I.) So enjoy these teasers:

- Our Hero, "One Man", shakes his fists at Hades.

- A mighty flying jump-kick.

- The enemy can climb trees!

- Even mighty heroes can know emotional pain.

So enjoy the rest of the summer 4 loyal readers. I'm sure the anticipation for this Norse Action Thriller will help soothe the demise of the Golden Season.

Well I'm a Truth-Addict - Aww Shit I got a Headrush

2005-08-12T13:35:00.000-04:00

First of all, I got a job!

I'll be working for SDI media in Toronto as a closed-captioner, checking the grammar and captioning for upcoming DVDs, some obscure, some popular. Pay is moderate, enough to live on. But Brianna says it's a nice work environment. It certainly seemed so... wood floors!

So as of Monday I'll be staying with Donny in Toronto until I can snoop out boarding downtown for when work actually starts. Hooray for Joel! Step 1 of 'The Mission' accomplished.

I thought about God a while ago and felt like posting TWO points:

1) Atheism has gotten a bad rap lately as a heartless lifestyle. It's still the way most of the Western World now functions, but people like to throw out a 'vague spirituality' they have so as to not come off as a robot. Now atheism is not akin to being emotionless, but people see it like that. They see it as a cold, warmthless manner of living of killed emotions. But emotions and spirituality are not particularily linked as such. You can not be spiritual and not believe in God and still have strong emotions. You just place their roots at the mind, not the 'soul.'

Since that is the basis of emotions I don't think this concept is too difficult. I consider myself an Agnostic, and therefore an Atheist by reflection. Agnostics believe there is no evidence of God and are therefore skeptical, but aren't as commited to a lack of God as an Atheist. I think one stems to the other. You can't be an Atheist without being an Agnostic, and you can't be an Agnostic without following the path to Atheism. For example:

Think of an African child. I use 'African Child' as a stereotype for ANY child often faced with extreme unwarranted duress - and do so while recognizing that continual portrayal of African Culture as poor, decrepit, dirty, and starving simply reinforces the idea that they aren't commercial, aren't urban, aren't with potential, and are nothing but a hopeless cause.

Extraneous to these mitigating factors, think of a worst case scenario child in Africa. She is born. She suffers from malnutrition from day 1. She is without proper shelter or food and water. If ever she manages to escape the hate-inspired warfare of neighboring areas and make it to somewhere of culture she is restricted and oppressed in the name of things holy, unable to climb to any position of self-sufficiency by her own means. At this point our specimen dies from starvation. This terribly meager life is of course one step better than another common option, simply killing the baby or leaving it somewhere because the mother cannot afford to look after it.

There are many arguments against God. But this is a simple one I can't get my mind around. Where is some 'God' in this life? We're told there is a benevolent deity who guides all people to his warmth - if this is so why does this child suffer so? It is apparent the child has done nothing to deserve such a fate. It was naught but born in poor circumstances - the same would happen to any of us born so. An absent God is not a benevolent one. A God that does nothing to cease such an atrosity is not a benevolent one. If Aristotle was right and God was just a watch-maker then there is no use praying to him now.

I assume someone might counter by saying that child was without sin and will live for eternity in Heaven under God's graces. This still doesn't answer why her life was so terrible on earth. And by this logic Heaven will be filled with kids who died young, since they would be sinless and adults would have a longer time (a time wherein they were completely cogniscent) to commit sins. If Heaven is all-gloriful then we need not suffer on earth to be inspired by awe at its gates. The suffering is undue. It is man-made and man-forgotten.

Others might say that instances such as this are simply reminders to those who keep the faith to pray harder because times are getting worse. Of course there have always been people starving. You can't take such things as an omen because that would assume God loves the wealthy more than the poor and sick. Sounds hypocritical to the life of Jesus Christ. God doesn't kill poor children to allow comfortable white people to go to Heaven.

And finally, there is "God has a plan", the universal way of getting out of anything. His plan when it comes to brutalized children could use some work. To quote Allie Fox from The Mosquito Coast by Paul Theroux, "'God created the earth in six days, and on the seventh he rested.' Maybe if he hadn't taken a day off the world might not be in such a mess."

People might find this post offputting, or problematic in places. But like all things written, it would take pages to thoroughly cover an opinion, and my stream-of-consciousness is but point form. I just can't get my mind around how people can believe in a God when lives like the one I explained expire unfulfilled daily.

2) Also: I don't haven't been in a relationship in forever. WTF is with that? Jesus God, get off your high-horse and give me a little divine studly providence!

Purple Wedding

2005-08-07T18:39:00.000-04:00

CONGRATULATIONS, Jessica and Kris.
May your love flourish like the hair of a Chia-Pet.

Jokes aside, that was certainly one nice wedding. Jessica looked wonderful! And the first thing Kris said to me was "It looks like you've been traded" in reference to my Chris Pronger look-alike. On top of everything being peachy, and the girls balling their eyes out, the wedding was great because I have NEVER busted a rug with such authority! (And yes, I'm merging 'Busted a Move' and 'Cut a little Rug' together into one truly boss slang)

We certainly kept the party going into the night, once the older folks and kiddies had all disappeared. Except for that Old Guy who kept following Anna, Tracey, and Kristin around. But no one was going to outlast him...

Many photos will hopefully appear in time. It was the first wedding I've been to of someone my age, of the friend gang. It was weird that way, but beautiful. I think girls fear marriage until they go to a few of friends of theres. There was certainly some longterm looks in some of the ladies eyes.

Elsewards Tyler and I finished an action movie trailer we filmed on his camera at the cottage. It's entirely TOO funny. But I don't want to give anything away because I'm going to try hard to find somewhere that can host a file that big - then simply show it to everyone. It's entitled 'Action Gods.'

All in all a splendid weekend. I hope my readers ones were as fruitful.

Cosmic Irony

2005-08-02T14:23:00.000-04:00

This bastard program deleted one of my posts for no reason at all. Ironically the subject matter was also now deletable, it appears.

Late Night Bloggathon

2005-07-28T01:02:00.000-04:00

Another BRAIN post! I think I'll use the cat icon whenever I think I'm being smart, since the cat's named Brain. I have no real Brain related news so otherwise I won't use the icon that much. And it's all about reciprosity.

Meanwhile, Joel needs a job. Preferably in T.O. I feel too far away out here to thoroughly search for one though. I feel like I need to be there first. Thus the paradox. I need to be there first to get a job, but I need the job to afford being there at all. I wrote a whole post about this that got deleted this afternoon.

Going to the cottage tomorrow with Chris, Tom, and his girlfriend Terra. Should be sun-tastic.

Anyway, nothing fancy tonight. Adieu!

And welcome Tina to my '6 Degrees of Blog' section. Her addition makes me look even MORE popular, if that was possible.

Parking up the Wrong Tree

2005-07-23T15:38:00.000-04:00

God damn parking has become a pain in the ass.

Incident #1:
I go to park heading in to a job interview at a spot in town I'd never been before. I look and see a "2 hour parking sign"

Looks good for parking. I'll only be one hour. So I mosey up ahead, pull into the only spot I can find behind a truck and park. I get out and go to the interview. When I come back I notice as I ride off I've gotten a ticket. I figure it's 5$. It turns out to be a 250$ ticket for parking in a HANDICAPPED ZONE. Err, shit. Here are three telling photos:

See the sideways sign? THAT's the Handicapped marker. RIGHT next to it is a Parking sign! Coming at that angle (the angle of the road) you totally can't read the handicapped sign - as proven here. In fact, you see an indication to park. Notice also there are NO SYMBOLS or blue paint on the ground where the handicapped zone begins. Nothing.

This is the side view. Cars DON'T come from perpendicular to the road! I'd have to have seen that just as I went by it OR have coincidentally turned the right way after leaving my vehicle. I am not late, but am just in time for my interview, thus not in any mood to enjoy the scenery. Chris Collins's dad demonstrates the absurd angle. He's a lawyer so it's good to have him in the photos.

This smaller photo shows the other sign at the far end. I might have seen this one ahead of me, however a large truck was parked right where the cameraman is standing. So it is negated. Once again, no markers on the concrete.

So I'm going to court. I don't want a 250$ ticket - I can't afford that! So I'm fighting it on the grounds that it's a poorly marked zone. At first I hadn't noticed the sign issue, I was just going to plead that I had never been there before, was in a hurry, observed a sign prior, and it wasn't marked on the ground. I figured I could've gotten some of the price chopped from my ticket. But now I want to win the case and pay nothing. I'd obviously not park in a handicapped spot on purpose.

Incident #2:
Ok, so no pictures this time - but I got a 30$ ticket from parking Toronto this past weekend. It's impossible to stay overnight as a visitor. I found a street with NO signs except ONE at the very end which said no parking overnight (which was what I intended to do). There was no sign at the other end of the street where I parked. I would've had to walk an entire block to see the parking sign. Lo and behold, the next morning I'd gotten a ticket at 3:30 am. They just assume everyone's local and knows one sign miles away stands for the whole street. I would protest this too, but I don't have the time to trip to T.O. And it's only 30$.

But grar! Parking is Grr!

Anyway, happy birthday to Chris and Tom, partners in aging.
Collins's T.O. party was a huge success and Tom's party tonight will no doubt cap it.

I Found this Rap on Another Blog

2005-07-20T01:44:00.000-04:00

Me
Now this rap about me is gon be kinda longbut you'll enjoy it, so don't get me wrongi spit shit dat should be put on a few songsniggaz, ya'll should know not to fuck wit mei'll have yo ass headin straight fo da G-R-A-V-Ewell, you ever seen the movie white noisei know somebody ain't fuckin wit my toi'snigga if i ain't listed, check the rostermy shit stand up like it got perfect posturewhen i got in a new car wit my bro, he loves to floor iti spit truth all the time, like lil red ridin hood was eatin ya poragei can lock ya weak flow up, and put it in storageya'll nigga treat ya shit like it's an otter boothi go and spit truth in da booth like i'm missin a toothnigga, u can't touch me, my shit is water proofi come through ya neighborhood lookin for a residencespit nice hard wisdom like our back stabbin presidentto convict me, nigga, u need hard cold evidencei take people's minds off track in a new directionchoose from a wide cariety of skills in this collectionjump up and down for joy like i got an erectionsteal shit, and collect it for his private selectioneverytime i rhyme, i create a whole new sectionmy words can see you like ya see ya own reflectioni put everything i love under 24 hour protectiongot the senses of a dog, do my middle name is detectioni rap the truth, not lies like the last electionmy raps entered the phase of bein perfectioni can change ya frame like a new complexioni may be young, but i have much wisdomi run on new shit, like a beefed up security systemfeel my words, you love the rhythmyou spit stupid shit like u missin a pistolmy words a perfection like a new made crystalhit ya hard, i damage da surroundin area like a nuclear missleshit, it's me eekin through a stereospit shit like i'm auditionin to be da new bee for cheerio'si'm more like a backwards oreoexcept i'm both black on the inside and outside like a double chocolate chip cookie yopray on ya shit, like we at a burialtake shots at da paparatsy, like i need cereali got so many things to say, that i just can't expressa lot of things unsaid, that i need to get off my chesti love ladies like i love star wars, so i'm lovin da breastsi love bein better than the restcan't categorize me, i'm individuality at it's bestor i can be names, originality at it's bestgot people flockin to my blog, like geeks at a star wars festcome on now, it may be long, but you can't be mad at mecuz i'm just bein what almost every ain't bein, Me.

Stylin'!

I Love Dinosaurs

2005-07-20T00:52:00.000-04:00

So: I have a job interview tomorrow, with Minacs - the greatest company in the world. I hear when you get hired they give you a free slave.

I don't think getting the job should be too hard. Then there's 6 weeks of training on how to run a Mackintosh computer (paid) before I start. Which means I'd be starting almost in September... which is roughly when I wanna be done there. So.... shhhhhhhhhhh!

I did a dragonboat festival in Windsor last weekend. It was a tough but a good few days. I got burned badly on my upper back - boiled right up. Everything else I took careful precaution with - except that spot - because I was wearing a singlet and I never wear those. It blows. But at least I didn't get crazy-needles in my foot like Gavin.

I'd like to pause to mock an ad, if I may. I trust you've all seen those inimical Labatt Blue ads wherein a group of guys meet a group of girls at a cottage. The basis is that these guys go up to fish, but then meet these chicks and they all have fun. Deviant sexual behavior is assumed subtley although it only shows them giggling for the most part. There is a parallel ad from the girls perspective which has come out more recently. The ending slogan is: "When the weekend goes down this easy, make it a Labatt Blue."

But I don't get it. Weekends NEVER go down that easy. So who is the ad appealing to? I suppose I shouldn't drink Labatt Blue because nothing ever works out for me like that. If the weekend ever went down that smooth you wouldn't NEED alcohol to drink ones sorrows away. The ad would run on the same logic if it went like this:

"So we get up to the cottage, we're going to do a little fishing - just me and the guys, the usual. Then all of a sudden this dinosaur comes out of the lake. We didn't know what to do so we waved it over. Soon enough we were dancing and singing and the fish had nothing to worry about. Then the dinosaur devoured Teddy and things went downhill - but we were drunk so... Eyyyyyy! When the weekend goes down this smooth, make it a Labatt Blue."

When something that never happens happens, drink Labatt. When pigs fly, drink Labatt. What weird advertising is this. They'd probably get more people if it read like this:

"So we get up to the cottage, we're going to lie around - just me and my assortment of equally somewhat attractive friends, the usual. Then all of a sudden nothing really happens - we sit and read and play water sports. We waved over the old couple who live next door, but they were playing with their grandkids. Soon enough the lake air had knocked us out cold and we slept like logs. Little happened of interest, but we relaxed a lot. When the weekend goes down this predictably, make it a Labatt Blue."

Pardon me for being jaded, but I'd appreciate the honesty.

Anyway, goodnight.

Review: War of the Worlds

2005-07-13T17:44:00.000-04:00

So I saw 'the War' and it was funky. Normally I don't like Tom Cruise much, but lately I've thought he's been taking some cooler roles. Must be a lingering Jerry McGuire syndrome. *Spoilers!*

WAR OF THE WORLDS:

- Orson Wells versus H.G. Wells: War of the Old Fatties.
Rating: 8/10

PROs:
- It did NOT have 'Double-Time Meaning Infusion' - hooray!
- Dakote Fanning is good at 'being Frodo-like' aka, really big-eyed.
- As Chris Collins pointed out, Cruise is an anti-hero. He never does anything but run and freak out. And be a big jerk. That realism (and non-American) aspect of the movie made me forget it was a 'blockbuster.' He's not likeable, and they never get into a jet and shoot aliens. They just get lucky.
- Continuing suspense.

CONs:
- Bodies floating down a river scares the little girl? She obviously hasn't lived in New York for very long.
- Too long spent in that basement. I got bored of the setting.
- Why does a video camera work after the EMP blast?
- The fundamental plot makes no sense. 1) Ok, so these aliens put machines underground YEARS before human life? How did they know human life would occur? Why would they let it build if they could just cultivate the world without them. Why would the aliens wait until we had advanced technology and places to hide to kill us? In the middle ages we'd be much easier meat. 2) They didn't study us TOO well if they didn't understand about paramecium and disease. If they were an opponent worth dealing with they would have spent years adapting to that aspect of biology just like us. Then they wouldn't have died. Tards. Of course it was written in the 1938.

So there you go. Another review. I'm turning into Roger Ebert (minus the sweat) but don't worry, numerous non-movie posts soon.

In the Court of the Minty King

2005-07-10T23:50:00.000-04:00

Ok - so that's a beach, and not my cottage - but still - you get the idea.

The 4th Annual "Ballad of the Stars" Super Cottage Event of the Summer at Minty's Cottage took place July 8th to 10th. It was a rick-rollicking affair. I am sorry to all who missed it. Sun was had. Alcohol consumed. Board games played. Strokes swum. Noodles beaten into heads. Kayaks paddled (In one case all the way to lower Stoney, way to go Ben).

Once more Stoney Lake showed the sexier side of her vivacious curves. It is not surprising that everyone who comes up once KEEPS coming back - except Steph, who had to go sailing. But she'll be back!

A few people had cameras, pictures will come - scandals will be revealed - and those amongst us who are vampires will be rooted out and put to the stake (possibly at Jessica's wedding - it's one of those dual-purpose Marriage/Vampire Hunt weddings). So wait with baited breath, because if you don't your breath won't catch a fish.

In the meantime, I welcome Tristan Moran to my list of bloggers. Sure to be a cynical blog of subtle mockery and Transformers. At least there better be Transformers. Wait maybe that's Tyler's blog.

A big beetle-like bug just crawled out of the cuff of my sleeve. I thought something itched in there...

Thanks to everyone who made it such a nice time. And to those who took our extra dinner rolls. And to those who left me beer, I'm up 11 suckers!

Brain, Posts, Cake, and Ghosts

2005-07-07T00:57:00.000-04:00

Haven't seen Brain in a while. I actually kind of miss the retarded cat. He was cute, if a terror, and easy to throw. My cat's aren't half as spray as Brain is, if 2x smarter. They limp and stuff. They don't attack walls or climb people like mountains.

I was going to post something big... but I want pictures, and using JPEGs and GIFs sucks. I need to wait until I move before I can get my better computer using PNGs again.

Just did a killer show on Cake. Find the mp3 here (in the following week) Remember: It's every Wednesday, the 10 o'clock mp3. July 6th is Cake.

Also: Keep checking the Miscellany. I update it quasi-frequently. Anything else I'll post about, anything big enough to merit a 'Small Icon' in the sidebar. I wish I could host the Radiobomb mp3s, but they're much too big. And besides, that meager space is taken by Slap Happy Mp3s.

Oh well. Here's proof of ghosts.

- Missing a head! Trick of photography or has Bob Marley stolen her soul?!?

The Overweight, The Tattooed, and the PNR

2005-07-04T17:39:00.000-04:00

There are three types of girls/women (at my age it is kindof ambiguous) in Peterborough. Each type has distinctive markings to seperate it from the other type: 1) The Overweight 2) The Tattooed 3) The PNR

1) The Overweight.
This is pretty self explanatory. One thing I notice in this town is how there are very few slender or fit looking girls. However there's a TON of really ripped and strong looking guys. Most seem to be scumbags, but it's a funny parallel. As if the girls will put up with the dirts treating them badly therefore.

2) The Tattooed.
Make no mistake - the combination of one and two is prevelant. There's a ton of people with tattooes in Peterborugh. It's the norm. In fact, the most sure form that someone is far from a radical non-conformist is that they have gotten a tattoo just to prove they are. Some people have them slathered so thick their skin is like tar. Serious turn-off.

3) The PNR.
The PNR is a term Chris Collins and his pal David Demov (sp?) came up with. It stands for Peterborough Nouveau-Riche. These are hip young couples who are in the money enough to get cottages and spend time in Peterborough. Usually these women are suspiciously hot but after careful observation are revealed to in fact be 34. They are easier to spot when with their handsome husbands, also 34ish.

So that's the breakdown.
Living in Toronto can only come too slowly.

The Electros run this Floor!

2005-06-28T01:36:00.000-04:00

So: Earlier tonight Chris, Leonard, and I rented Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo.

- Turbo gets down while Ozone and Kelly look deep.

"If you can't beat the system... break it!"

Sound advice, even from the oldest seer in our clan. Unless the system you're trying to beat is the internet. Don't break the internet.

I dressed up for the occasion of speaking about just how great this movie is. Batman? Star Wars? That other movie I reviewed? ALL PALE in comparison to the Electric Boogaloo. Thanks to Family Guy for the obligatory 80's reference.

This movie follows every 80's stereotype there is, only they modify some to include break dancing.
1) Stuff jumps to dance routines randomly.
2) The outfits are mockable, and change with great frequency.
3) They save a youth center.
4) Evil rich white men.
5) Actor who went on to be embarrased about being in the movie. (Ice-T)

There was much impromptu breakdancing sessions - the highlights of which were a 'break dance-fighting' ala Zoolander with the rival gang (the Electros, obviously the villains of Breakin' 1) and also an old fashion breakdown at the hospital wherein everyone is healed by the power of 80's ghettoblasters. The highlight of this scene is that a guy in traction dances on, then takes off, his cast, oh, 2 hrs after the accident "broke" his foot.

All in all, a tour de force.

You know - a lot of stuff in the 90's and 2000's would be better if we got that fresh left wing attitude of the 80's. None of the colours, but all of the youthful exuberance!

I'll start by servin' up some 'serv'd's'.
...
That had WAY too much punctuation.

Hurst

2005-06-25T00:05:00.000-04:00

So.

Tom and I went to see 'Hurst' last night. At the start of the show there were 3 people in the audiance. Fortunately the band laughed it off. We only went to the show because the Hurst is of Trevor Hurst, ex lead singer of Econoline Crush - a band I dig. Or digged. Or dug.

Random new bands having no audiance? Yeah - you gotta expect it. But it is somehow worse when the singer used to be in a band that could pack the house. You know they're thinking, "Damn. In 1997 I had so many more fans."

Anyway, nifty show. 5$ for 3 Econoline Crush songs ain't bad.

In the meantime, tomorrow Kyle and I are going to the cottage. Why is it called meantime? When talking about stuff that is going in between two points in time - why not call is friendlytime? Meantime makes it sound like your pissed until you get to point b. Screw that.

In the friendlytime, tomorrow Kyle and I are going to the cottage.

And in the friendlytime, check this out -->

Wayne Brady Karate

Tuff Pup, Muse of Inspiration.

2005-06-23T01:06:00.000-04:00

Just looking at this intrpid canine brave the elements AND lift that heavy cinderblock has filled my heart with hope - hope that I can be all that I can be! Sitting around in Peterborough all summer doing various projects and hitting the lake once in a while? That's not the life for me! Life's too short to actually spend time ENJOYING it - I've got to go out and get a job so I pretend like I care about embarking into society. Why can't there just be guilt-free 2 year off period post-grad. One where the money is subsidized by the government.

But my dilemma arrises. Stay in peterborough - enjoy the whismy of my nearby cottage, keep pumping out the tunes on the Radioshow, and live cheap and by myself in my spacious house? Or head to Toronto, get a REAL job, move into my own place, and prepare for a future involving either Toronto based broadcasting companies or Ryerson?

Each have their benefits. Each have their detriments.

I'm drawing this out: I think until at least September I'll stay in Peterborough. I'd already decided, I was just being mellodramatic.

But look at that dog hold that concrete slab! Doesn't it take your breath away? Such perserverence! Go Doggy go!

Ahh, who am I kidding. They'd just hire the dog over me anyway. I'm going to smoke tobacco and go to off-beat cinema until I'm a writer.

Batman Begins: Review

2005-06-16T01:08:00.000-04:00

What? A Batman movie made in the last decade that doesn't enrage the comic book fans? Amazing. Warning, as always, about Spoilers for said movie. If you want to see it - don't read this, for your sake.

But true. Because I saw it with hardcores.

BATMAN BEGINS:

- Stop protecting those bats and save Gotham!
Rating: 8.5/10

PROs:
- Lieutenant Gordon = Booyah!
- Dark, dangerous, the closest to #1, and in many ways superior.
- Scarecrow was cool. All around good casting.
- The fact the movie isn't God awful deserves its own notification.
- Funny. I found many parts humourous. Some critics said it was too dark and lacked the fun, I think they had all the snappy lines well merged with depth.
- Some will not like how Katie Holmes's well-played character denies Bruce Wayne her affection at the end of the movie. I really liked it. Usually you get one of two stories in superhero movies. 1) She dies. 2) The hero turns her down, spiking his own love, for her protection (ala Spiderman).

CONs:
- Double-time Meaning Infusion: That's the new term I've created to describe how every important line from the first half of the movie comes back in the second half of the movie to be oh-so-inspiring. See my Kingdom of Heaven review to get a full understanding of this weak cinema tactic.
- Liam Neeson as mentor? Seen that before.
- If Gotham was as bad as they claimed, Katie Holmes's character would've been acosted EVERY DAY - looking like that and walking around the city alone. When I say 'looking like that' I mean dressed wealthily. And also, lookin' like that! (That time I meant 'Hot')
- Even the opera is located in the crack district? I mean - come on. If there's an opera at ALL, it would not be next to a graffiti alley. There just wouldn't BE an opera, if the city was that bad.

So yeah, good times.
I think it's cool as one of my comrades noted that this Batman is the beginning of a NEW Batman series - one that aptly follows the comic universe and not popularising it for the masses. The Joel Schumacher one was so bad it inspired people to remake the whole series - with more precision. I am not 'into' Batman lore, but I think he's one of the cooler superheroes and I generally like superheroes. I like the movies when they stick to appealing to the hardcore fans - even if I'm not. It maintains my faith that when they DO make a movie of something I like, they might not fuck it up. So the villain in the next one will be The Joker. That's great. He was always the best villain, and although Jack Nicholson is a mighty Joker - It'd be nice to see a thinner, whinier, more Mark Hamil style Joker of the 2000's.

Also: Raki - It really helped playing through that Batman game for the Gamecube - because some of the villains are similar.

Anyway, I give it the same as Star Wars. Both are too fun-tastic to achieve a higher rating - which is reserved for steller dramas and brain-thrilling action movies. Besides the reoccuring lines issue (Double-Time Meaning Infusion), I had little problems besides nitpicking. And EVERY movie is nitpickable.

Batman movies may end up like James Bonds? Maybe.
It seems like everything with a lucrative fanbase market is profitable.

One guy in the theatre didn't like the movie... but that's because he thought it was 'Bat-man', a documentary on Mark McGuire.

And also, he doesn't like awesome.

Great Joels in History

2005-06-12T22:19:00.000-04:00

There have been many great Joels in history.
* Joelexander the Great.
* Ghengis Joel.
* Stephen Joel Gould.
* Joel Liberachi.
* Senator Joel Lieberman.
* Joeltin' Joel Carter.
Well, you get the idea...

Let's look at some REAL famous Joels in history. And some from Pre-history.

JOEL CARR:

- I don't know if this kid is famous at all, but if you type 'Joel' into google he tops the list. And THAT's pretty impressive. Almost as impressive as his incredible leg push-ups from that upside-down staircase. Go gravity-defying Joel go!

JOEL BARLOW:

-No one will believe me, but I wrote "Joel Lieberman" above BEFORE I found this quote BY him concerning a famous Joel, poet Joel Barlow. His most famous poem was apparently called 'The Hasty Pudding.'

Mr. Lieberman: Mr. President, I rise to honour one of America's earliest diplomats and a distinguished native of Connecticut, Joel Barlow. On June 28, in a modest ceremony, a bronze biographical tablet will be dedicated to Barlow in the churchyard of the tiny village of Zarnowiec, Poland, where Barlow died and was laid to rest in 1812. The event is organized and the tablet donated by the Joel Barlow Memorial Fund, in cooperation with the American Center of Polish Culture and DACOR, Diplomatic and Consular Officers Retired (of the U.S. State Department).

Damn. Joel Barlow! What a guy! Who is next I wonder?

JOEL SCHUMACHER:

- He's made great movies like 'A Time to Kill' and 'The Client.' He also made SOMETHING with movies like 'Batman and Robin' and 'Batman goes to the Beach.'

BILLY JOEL:

- When I was a kid I totally dug the movie Oliver and Company, which was a total Disney hit. Billy Joel did some of the main themes on the tape a buddy I haven't seen since grade 6 named Ford Thursten gave to me for my birthday. Needless to say, he is thus the most famously revered Joel so far on our list. (Although, that Joel Carr kid - what balance!)

JOEL PLASKETT:

- I got to have a listen to his 'Truthfully Truthfully' album recently, and I kept a few songs. On the whole I was expecting a little more. He'd be pretty fun live though, I'd bet. A rising star in the music industry versus a dinosaur of commercial heart-mop tunez... Billy Joel's still got the edge. And by 'got the edge' I mean he doesn't have the edge at all, and is thus more famous. As it goes.

Thus, the winner is: Billy Joel! Or maybe Hayley Joel Osmett. Or that big guy who comes at Christmas, you know, Santa-Joel.

You've GOTTA see this! <-- And you thought I wasn't classy...

Always thought I was lying? <-- Convert heathan bastards!

Also: I typed in 'Joel Flip' and found this:

Turns out I'M Raphael from Ninja Turtles. Who knew?

Probably Splinter - that rat bastard.

Ohh... pun-pain...

Pollution Sucks!

2005-06-04T19:01:00.000-04:00

I got a sunburn today. TODAY! The weather today was grey and cloudy all day. Not once did I feel a ray of sunshine on my skin or see the sun peep over the heavens. WTF! Pollution sucks! UV rays are mad deadly. I think being on the water with dragonboats is bad for burns because it reflects the rays back at you. But come on. No sun in SIGHT, it was even raining occasionally, though softly. And my arms and neck are burned. I HAD sunscreen right there but didn't use it. It would've been like putting on sunscreen at night - making no sense.

So pffaw with the environment. We've run it through with the javelin of irresponsibility. Grey days make rays. Soon sun screen will become a permanent fixture near the doorways of our houses, many people will die of skin problems if unable to live in sunscreened areas of the world. Of course I guess it's Mother Nature's way of saying fuck you, since if we die she'd be better off anyway.

Anyway, I attended convocation yesturday. So am officially grad. The cutie I spoke to for most of the ceremony (who had the (un) fortunate last name of 'Minns') reminded me of just how much I took Queen's plethora of pretty women for granted. The random drunks Chris Collins and I ran into on George street the night before reminded me just how de-babeified Peterborough is. Ying and Yang. Funny thing is I spoke to Arezoo Matin on MSN that night and she said the same thing as I about convocation: Only about boys.

In less morose news, I added a Top Ten songs of the Moment section.

Other Blogs are Ugly!

2005-06-01T18:49:00.000-04:00

Hey. I just skipped through about 50 blogs, and MAN - Most of them are SO UGLY. I mean, some have much better content than mine - granted. But Chris Ball's and mine are appealing on the eyes - especially since mine's got all the cool icons at the side and an expressio before each post.

Operno!

2005-06-01T18:25:00.000-04:00

I had a brilliant idea for the pornography industry. Yes, I know, you're all saying "Jesus Joel, every second day you're all 'bla bla bla, I have a great idea for the pornography industry bla bla' - but this time it's much better.

"Operno!"

It's Opera-Porn. Combining the highest and lowest points of culture in society and proving once again that art is cyclical. Does it not make totaly sense? Both are really simple stories told in, err, elaborate ways, both are about the emotions between men and women, and both offer high shrill notes at the end of a segment. It would put some class into jerk-wad Johnny porno collector and some sass into Reginald B. Wortsworth the Fifth.

Of course you'd have to find phenominal singers who're willing to get buck naked and do erogenous things with syrup - but frankly the opera industry just isn't what it used to be and most of those singers could probably use a little extra cash.

I got this idea while I was watching some... opera.

Anyway - think about it. Here are some possible titles:

"Miss Saigon's Magnamimous Cans"
"The Menage of Figaro"
"Debbie Does the Venetian Theatre Guild"

My noodle's cooked.

There are 10 types of People in the World...

2005-05-26T14:37:00.000-04:00

Those who know binary, and those who don't.

So last night I did my 3rd Radiobomb show on The Jack Kerouac Knapsack Band and thought it was pretty nifty, but alas, this morning, the Trent U logger is down and I cannot download it. Nor can thy.

- Seen above: The 5 remaning members of the 2005 Queen's Confederacy Comittee for Social Change.

Hopefully that will work out, because I'd like a copy of all my shows. In the meantime, furious boardgame action has hit Peterborough like a tempest, raising hackles and saving us precious money. Mainly, we've (The vivacious Chris Collins, Rob the Pirate, and the chronically underbraincelled Tom Lavery) been busting out A Game of Thrones which is based on a popular book series most of us have enjoyed, and Settlers of Catan, a game of diplomacy, collecting resources, and sending a sheep with a brick tied to its back over to your opponent in trade for Ore. Both pictured here:

- Settlers of Catan, very round.

- Most of the Game of Thrones board.

Needless to say, boardgames are a lost social art, usually more enjoyable than movies or talking at coffee houses. I mean, with the stranglings and the bartering how interactive can you get? Now enjoy this link - Gorby!

Star Wars Ep. III: Review

2005-05-25T12:47:00.000-04:00

How important is Joel's blog to you? If it's MORE important than your will to enjoy the third Star Wars on its highest level, then read on. If not, then for the Space Pope's sake - don't read on! Deffinite spoilers of the movie, of Star Wars in general, and of Christianity (it turns out Adam was gay).

So proceed only if yee wish to know the dark secrets of Lucas's third movie and closet!

STAR WARS III- REVENGE OF THE SITH

Fill Lucas's pockets with your hard earned money... one last time.
Rating: 8.5/10

PROs:
- What? Some script writing? Huzzah!
- A conclusion that isn't some big monotonous brawl. Individual plights are always more interesting.
- Hayden Christenson gets pretty damn warped. His transition here is a lot better than in Ep. II - although the specific turnaround seems a little forced.
- Good sync-up with Ep. IV
- Good amount of lightsabre battles, and well done.
- Darth Grievous is pretty cool.
- The music. John Williams is always great in Star Wars.

CONs:
- "Nooooooooooooooooooooooo!"
- Yoda doesn't talk in riddles ALL the time. In V and VI he speaks in riddles sometimes, assumedly because he's been isolated forever and gone a bit mad. But apparently there was an OED on Degobah because his english is improved on his gibberish in these earlier movies. Maybe one of the Jedi powers is to translate him accurately. "To the shuttle, and interception of Darth Sidious, take me, in a, the it, of Jedi, must we, hrrrrrrrrrrrrm!"

So on the whole it was quite good. I wish the other two had been more similar. You know, with plots that mattered at all. Someone on the radio said Lucas has "lost his touch with the children in this movie." I'll avoid the necessary MJ/Catholic Priest/Tom Lavery joke and go on to say what is said here is somewhat accurate. The third one is a lot darker than ALL 5 other Star Wars flicks, and might prove scary to children. That this is missing the point entirely, I trust my readers have come to understand already. I was piss-scared of the Rancor monster of VI when I was little. If Lucas has lost touch with children, it's probably because he's finally got in touch with anyone with sensibility. He's finally appealed to his fans in this movie, NOT the easy market of children. And I use the word market, because that's what Ep. I was - marketting.

"Hey, if we introduce a brat and a CGI creation more annoying than the Microsoft Word Paper Clip we can sell a SHITLOAD of merchandize to the most lucrative market to be found in the western hemisphere since pornography - kids, and their parents loose purses and wallets."

Ep. I was an O.D. on kiddy. That's why everyone with a brain hated it. Ep. III may have been an O.D. on dark, as this radio personality suggested, but it was NEEDED to keep the ACTUAL biggest market in the West, erratic Star Wars fandom, from ripping Lucas's throat out. It was an apology for the tripe that had gone before. Finally, we got some mettle to work with.

As much as it's easy (and fun) to trash the new Star Wars movies, it's easy to forget the following:
1. There's no way anyone could've recreated the feel of a movie phenomenon of 25 years ago.
2. The original Star Wars movies have cheesy crap in them too, it was just handled in such a way that it appealed to many.
3. If nothing else, the three movies stay true to each other. The feel of I, II, and III is the same. The problem was that, with the exception of III, they were poorly written.

Man, I just went on the Imdb to check about Lucas's writing credits. Apparently he wrote and directed the movie. So good for him for learning something. Also: Reading through random posts on that forum is funny/sad. People have tons of theories, and everyone either bitches or applauds everything. There are three plot thingys I'll bring up for anyone not engrained in Star Wars lore.

1. Obi Wan in V says, "He is our last hope" about Luke, Yoda responds, "No, there is another." Obi Wan dispensed Leia and Luke to their respective homes - so why would he assume only Luke is a hope when Leia's still about?

A: Well, he's been living in a desert for a long time and watching Luke. He's old. He could've just forgotten. Besides that, maybe they doubt Leia will come around - but that's a bit foolish.

2. Wouldn't Ob Wan recognize Leia in IV?

A: Hmm. Her name's Leia, she's from Alderaan... you'd think he'd have some queries about her true identity. He must've kept his mouth shut for his own reasons though, which would prompt Luke's "Ben, why didn't you tell me, Ben" in V.

3. Leia says she remembers her mother a little. Caring, yet sad. But if Padme dies in childbirth... that's basically impossible.

A: Carrie Fischer added it in because she was a Bolshevik and Bolsheviks knew the need for a good motherly love.

Ok... that last answer was bogus, but probably because there isn't a good answer. A ton of people debate questions such as these endlessly and don't realize the REAL answer is "Lucas hadn't planned far ahead and spun a world too big for him to control."

All for now. May the G-Force be with you.

Jesi!

2005-05-14T11:58:00.000-04:00

If an octopus is an octopus, and 10 octopus are called 'octopi'...
Wouldn't Jesus be Jesus, and 10 Jesus be called 'Jesi'?

Radiobomb: The Sound of Freedom

2005-05-12T00:25:00.000-04:00

Joel? With a radio show? It's true!

With my loyal consort TOM LAVERY, I am now going to be presenting a radio show called the "Radiobomb Spotlight" every Wednesday @ 9:00pm-10:00pm this summer. It's on Trent Radio 92.7 CFFF - but all you "far off" types can probably listen via this crazy new fad 'the internet' I've been hearing so much about.

It's an hour show about ONE band. We pick a band and talk about them and play many tracks for an hour. In most cases, we're "experts" who provide critical information about the bands - Often Canadian content, and often indie or small time bands that could use a hand. More often than the previous often, stuff that rocks hard! When Tom did it alone it was often Heavy Metal. Tom runs the show, I run the shtick.

This weeks premier was on a band called 'The Golden Dogs' I suggest people check out. They're quite good. They got a 95 grade on a concert at Lee's Palace from SPIN magazine. Here's a link to their website.

Future bands (may) include:
Muse, The Mars Volta, The Music, The Jack Kerouac Knapsack Band, Cake, Rage Against the Machine, Glueleg, The Odds, The Joel Plaskett Emergeancy, Radiohead b-sides, Ozma, James McKenty and the Spades, etc.

You can download mp3's of the show at http://www.trentradio.ca/logger/. They come up within hours of the show being aired. You have to FIND the mp3 (as they aren't labelled) based on the timeslot. So grab the mp3 next to Wednesday May 11th 2005 9:00pm. This SHOULD BE the date and location of our 'The Golden Dogs' premier - but it's not. I just checked, and it's actually the show that went from 8:00pm - 9:00pm in that slot. So apparently it's sorted by when the show ENDS. THUS, Wednesday May 11th 2005 10:00pm is the right mp3. I trust that will be fixed before next week. However the 9:00 mp3 is of a trivial pursuit show - and you might recognize one of the callers around the 45th minute mark.

Each week there'll be a track we call 'The High-5 of the Week' wherein Tom and I exchange a high-5 over how awesome the track is. Antics ensue.

So enjoy yet another side of Joel.

In the meantime, I might apply for a 'Broadcasting - Television' 2 year degree from Algonquin College in Ottawa. It'd be pretty sweet. I'd be near Ty-ball and I'd be near Amberwood, and a quick ascension to a great job would be at hand I'm sure. That's all for tonight.

High-5 for this post!

*smack!*

Kingdom of Heaven: Review

2005-05-07T00:39:00.000-04:00

I was going to set up this new part to the website which included movie reviews. It was going to be in 'God's Miscellany' but I realized I have neither my collection of html files to adapt (to easily make modified pages with different content but similar structures) nor do I have my program to actually host my additional webpages. So it will have to take the form of a post, and maybe a big review section later.

KINGDOM OF HEAVEN

- Frosty Face on the right has ONE expression all movie. Frosty!
Rating: 6.5/10

I do my movie reviews a little differently. I do pros. I do cons. Then I summarize. *Warning: SPOILERS*

PROs:
-Some pretty scenery shots, especially in Jerusalem.
-Saladin was awesome.
-About 45 minutes in the middle concerned with ascendancy and politics within the Christian armies was good material.
-They managed to not make Orlando Bloom seem sissy-like.
-A generally good portrayal of the difficulties in such a hotbed of faith.

CONs:
-Does there always HAVE to be a love interest in movies where the girl in question is the ONLY female ever on screen at all? Predictable!
-Specific dumb spots: How did that horse in the cage survive the SINKING SHIP? Hey, he took an arrow through the neck - KEEP GOING!
-Epic battle scenes, though I still enjoy them somewhat, are kindof... stagnant. People die, yadda yadda, bla bla, heroes still alive, more death, victory.
-A few continuity issues, numerous characters (Guy, Saladin's official) are found in places that don't really make sense purely to come back in later.

My final con must be discussed. What O what on earth is wrong with movies these days in following THIS "Deep" structure of making movies meaningful. Character A says ________ at beginning of the movie to character B. At the end of the movie (when you've forgotten?) character B says _______ back to character A with A NEW CONTEXT! Holy Lord I'm having an epiphany here! "Hey Balion - you're my son" Then later, "Hey Dad - you're MY son" or some crap. Recent movies think meaningful and deep sentiment can be gotten across by rehashing EVERY 'meaningful' part from the 1st half of the movie. To show the character has learned, or something. But it ends up coming across as if you're being bludgeoned with a club that has "This is Important" etched into the side of it. It's perfect at telling dumb people what they should find important in the movie. If you can't find meaning in the phrase "Jerusalem means nothing. And everything" on your own, don't worry, someone will repeat it later so you'll know it WAS something worth listening too. In this case, Saladin repeats something with a knowing grin which Balion said JUST to the Christians. Ummm... that works for the audiance - but not for logical people who like logic.

Anyway, beyond this hopeless flaw in MANY current movies (not just actions, dramas etc.) it was an okay flick. The middle section after he sows his 1,000 acres until his mighty speech is pretty good. The heretic was a good character, and Irons is good too. But the start was junky and the ending a bit tacky. Although it's cool to see a movie's big climax be diplomacy. 6.5 - about the same as 'Arthur' IMO. Somewhat cool historical fiction ruined some by predictability and bludgeoned meaning.

That is all for now. A review of STAR WARS III: Sith Yadda Yadda Dark Side of the Porshe (or something) pending.

Wanton Juggernaut Vocabulary

2005-05-05T18:50:00.000-04:00

Ok. I can't post pictures because THIS computer, my one at home, is too ghetto. Its paint program can't create .PNG's so I can't make easily handleable pics for the site. So the posts shall be less about the images and more about MY WANTON JUGGERNAUT VOCABULARY! Destroying everything in its way with irrefutable robo-logic.

So of all the pictures I had, this seems to be the one most suitable to RE-POST. Since that's the best I can do to spice up my posts now.

- Oh Chun Li. Your fast yet low damaging moves have waylaid my heart.

I suppose I could add a fancy link. But my other links to, say, the ninja website, to MC Hawking's crib, or to Francis Bacon, are so good - who can top those?

In the mean time, I am posting mostly because I have nothing else to do - not because I have anything inciteful to say - so here are some impromptu words of wisdom from a close friend:

"A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush - probably because if you chuck it at THOSE birds you can knock them out and have three birds."
"The early bird gets the worm, but the late bird gets all the worms that attend that early worm's funeral."
"If a bird cries in the forest, and a bird hears it does the bird chirp at the bird?"

As you can tell, my friend is an idiot obsessed with birds.

Rant#3 - Cut Offs (not pants)

2005-05-02T13:08:00.000-04:00

I have a conflict.

My biggest pet peeve is being cut off - yet I talk often of random stories and worn out jokes.

I was going to rant about how much getting cut off pisses me off. Mostly because I feel I often go out of my way to not cut people off, or if I do apologize and ask them to continue. But the worst is when you get cut off for something even more mundane than what you were talking about. Like observations about your environment which could easily wait a few seconds because the buildings/trees are going to still be there. Or people talking to animals when you're trying to talk to them (FYI, they can't understand you!) Or then there's always the "I was listening, but then my bf/gf started talking so in order to show they've got my full attention, I have to also cut you off and maintain a conversation between ourselves as you walk alongside." That's classic.

I don't mind it when people cut me off to continue talking to me. Like if we're discussing The Boer War and I say something about South Africa - but then they cut me off to express a (supposedly) even more interesting point / answer the question / tell a funny anecdote. Their attention is still in the same place, and often the best discussions/jokings are when people can't get a word in edgewise because you keep laughing and shout-talking at each other.

But then I realized that people might read this and think: "Yeah, but Joel's always going on about jokes in his animated show, or Futurama, or some other topic I'm not interested in - and I have to change the subject quickly." And I guess it's sort of true, but it can be done with tact.

Anyway: In case you missed Artsci 05's Formal in early April, here's A Brief Retrospective I created.

19 Hours left on the School Timebomb

2005-04-28T21:28:00.000-04:00

The above sign may have been sited around campus recently. Brain, our beloved ball o' torment, escaped out the back door and hid under the deck. Thus a rapid manhunt ensued - for a cat. My face and Brain plastered all over the streets for a few hours. But Marie was wrong! It has yet to bring autonomous females ringing devoid of cat but purring with love.

There is roughly 19 hours of school left, ever. Unlike most of my comrades, I'm not planning to take a Masters or anything of the like, so it's kindof a different demon. Replacing Undergrad with Masters is like watching the CFL instead of the NFL - there's differences, but you're still eating chips and betting on the loosing team. Oh, and they're both still football.

It's creepy. I feel like I'll never be near a collection of people my age again. Once you get to work the world is full of multi-aged people. How do you relate? Can powerful friendships still be forged? Call me a Generational W.A.S.P., but making new and awesome friends to hang out with while working for the Provincial Government in Peterborough would require an active interest in cars, babies, money, and living accomodations far too mature for this humble serf. Fortunately, I timed it right, because my head is about full-up. I remember little enough of grade 3 math without Victorian literature pushing even more out the other side.

School is life. It's all we, as generally educated working-wealthy class children of Canada know. When do you recall not having school as a pressing priority? Exactly. (And no, bums like Jon Jeffereys don't count because they took time off to climb mountains. That's still the 'School of the Grizzily' a tough, unbecoming bedfellow for a poor scared university boy) But it's true. There's three times in life for me and my contemporaries: School, Work, Retirement. In 19 hours it'll be on to phase 2 (And not to buy cheap suits for Halloween costumes).

As an intermission to this charming soliloquy, there's this.

For someone who's often happiest at his art, and working quietly on my personal projects, I simultaneously cannot understand those who can ease through days with no direction at all. I am loath when I do not know what to do. Where I will work soon. What good my English degree will be. Despite such anxieties, I crave free time. These two clash, but both work towards the same ends with me, doing something worthwhile, and doing something support a life. So my prospects for the next year couldn't be more opposite: The mundane and beige life of a government stand-by, an initial step in a slow and uninteresting climb towards eventual toadiness, and striving towards making "The Cajoles of Hell" an animation show in reality, perhaps with Amberwood or perhaps elsewhere. Life always gets in the way of what you really want to do, and only the lucky can merge the two.

So will it be a release? Or will it be submersion.

At this point, really, I won't notice. Despite the reasons stated above. It's September which holds change. This summer is just another summer. I think that's a good way of looking at it. We all know, having gone through public school, that the summer runs the calender, not calenders. But where do you put your summer? At the start of the year of school? Or a reprieve at the end? Depends whether you're a glass half full or half empty person. An optimist, or a pessimist. Which means one more negligant summer of vigor won't hurt.

"Oh no" you say, "His blogs turning into a online diary of some kind!"
Relax.
I've got your bases covered. Just look at this:

A video representation of my life at Queen's?

Forbzy 3... it's like Poetry

2005-04-22T20:57:00.000-04:00

So a while ago I penned an immitation poem in the form of Miltonic Blank Verse. My teacher and I dug it (about the only thing good about THAT essay) so I thought I'd post it.

Part 4: Satan’s Absolution – Miltonic Blank Verse

A passage by Joel Minty

On rock by fire lay Satan, at rest in Hell

Unspied by God in his base condition,

Whispering to dust in darkness shroud

He hisses in a foul and guttural tongue.

“O hail to sufferance despoiled by thought, (5)

This one rock coated in feathers, and me

In bittersweet collapse thrives on His loss,

The past as real as I enslaved, thus real!

Enslaved to Hell – in a mindscape maelstrom

Parched – yet Styx fresher than goblet tears, (10)

Myself am Hell, yet am myself a Heav’n

If left with guilt lie th’needle in th' snare,

My grace and absolution! The last hand

To thwart damnation in an ironic pure

And place the laurel crown upon my brow; (15)

It bleeds onto the faithful hands and scorn

And grins my teeth as they crack and char,

And splits the Angels fingers on the lyre,

And burns the clouds from the new sphere to snare

A palsied rain of seared divinity! (20)

Delirium? What is delirium but

A shackle forged by those to brand me lost,

When as Hell is my mind, my mind is Hell –

Why not then is it not my grace as well?”

So spake the daemon to his lowly nerves, (25)

While crossed and crossed his thoughts betray’d his ire

For twisted was his manner so; it raked

His lonely thought, afore he slither’d away.

------------------------------------
So yeah. That's pretty bitchin'.
Also: Forbzy 3 is up at Studio Q, so you can go on and get it if you wish. I'm still hoping that the episode aires Sunday at midnight this week, but do not have much hope. But as if to make up for it, Forbzy 3 was compressed barely at all - so it's 110 MB but the quality is good. So check it out. Here are some screen shots:

Sly Daddy cramps Forbzy's style.
Fancy trick shots? You bet.
They're ready to go!
The tree: A perfect hiding spot.

That's all for now. I've begun work on long epic poem though, for those who care. It's called In the Eyes of the Idol Dog and I'm done about 265 lines. Hopefully there'll be seven verses. So enjoy yourself in the meantime, exams are winding down. I have only two left. Then there'll be a jubilant (sad?) post about the end of Queen's.

Thou wast not born for death, immortal bird!

2005-04-18T18:19:00.000-04:00

Disaster-master!

My third Forbzy didn't premier at its alotted time! Blasphemous! I am starting to want to buy a house though, from that real estate show they show in Studio Q's place whenever it doesn't air. I am yet to know the meaning of such an issue.

However, nonetheless, Forbzy and LaMarshe #3 - Conspiracy Coniption, is here. It's been put online already despite not being aired. I offer the link here... but I ask all who'd normally watch it on the big screen to WAIT and see if it will be aired next sunday. I believe it shall. Meanwhile, here's some synopsis:

Forbzy's got a new sleazy partner, Sly Daddy Aberdeen (Played by the Zugswang honourary ninja Gavin Nettlefold) who funks too slowly - and is in cahoots with the New Boss! They're trying to blow up the world... or something... so Forbzy must find his trustworthy partners and stop the ancient evil. Err, normal kind of evil.

No link to Forbzy 3. Right now it's 110 MB for some reason. The much larger Desperachiest's are only 20 and 25 MB. So... hopefully this will change - since it takes forever to load. In fact, even the link I was trying to make to it seems to be screwing up.

It's a beautiful day! Go outside, don't watch videos!

BTW: The subject header of the line is John Keats from Ode to a Nightengale and exhibits the trust I had, despite despair, after the lack of airing - that this episode of Forbzy would exist and propogate itself into the artsy community of middle Ontario.

My Unemployment Sense is Tingling!

2005-04-12T18:20:00.000-04:00

5 exams before closure.

I've really looked nowhere for jobs post-school, but a few have come my way courtesy of Mr. Chris Collins. I always figured by now I'd have revealed myself as a dashing superhero named 'Fantastik-Mon' (He's Jamaican) but alas the powers that be (in this case, evil super powers) still threaten the good citizens of Everytown USA so revealing my identity is not an option. I mean, what if the villains came after my loved ones to get at me? That would be terrible. Except Tom. They can have Tom.

You'd think that by now, with years and years of thwarting evil attempts at local/nationwide/global domination villains would STOP coming to Everytown USA and harassing me. If just ONE villain, be it Mr. Bombdroppio or Madamme Stabby, decided to try to destroy/take over the world from, say, Amsterdam. Or Calcutta. Or Seoul, I'd be BONED. Fortunately they're too dumb. But that means I have to keep my identity a mystery even today. Which means I should erase this blog. Mheh.

So that's why I'm not up on the job front. Maybe I'll get a job as a mild mannered reporter. Or maybe as a millionaire industrialist. Or maybe as yet another mild mannered reporter. Who knows?

BUT WHEREVER THERE IS CRIME, THERE SHALL BE....

FANTASTIK-MON!

Anarchism

2005-04-09T19:51:00.000-04:00

The Jack Kerouac Knapsack Band is playing their last show in Kingston for a long time to the sadness of all. The Grad Club promises to be a happenin' place tonight.

The above photo is 'Aram' from www.meninhats.com. He is a model citizen of our fair republic. The sunny day outside coupled with his anarchism has inspired me to write another glorious poem in the Poetry Nook. So enjoy!

There's also this:

- Joel gets to be Boba Fett for a day - stock in scrap metal rises 5.5%

Happy Ballday!

2005-04-06T21:08:00.000-04:00

Indeed, it is Chris Ball's birthday tomorrow, and as he mentioned my birthday rather often on HIS blog, I feel compelled to mention his on mine - so listen up!

It's tomorrow, but the par-tay is friday. It's just like my par-tay only a few different people are coming. I've learned so much in my 10 days of being 23, I shall now impart my wisdom:

1. You get laid, like, ALL THE TIME.
2. Do not TALK about getting laid ALL THE TIME!
3. If you say you're 23 down at "2 for 3 Pizza" you get 2/3's of a Pizza Slice for 23 cents off the normal price.
4. Chris Collins will think you're much cooler - he hates numerical palindromes!
5. Getting sick during your party really sucks Santa's ass.
6. When you're 5 years older than frosh - you feel REALLY old.
7. When John Keats was writing to his friend Woodhouse he coughed blood - meaning that tuberculosis, which ran in his family, was in his system. It was a terrible moment as he realized his impending death. His poetry vastly improved due to this terminal condition. (What - that's wisdom. And it's something I learned in the last 10 days).
8. "He who blogs often, oft ne'er blogs at all"
9. Don't listen to idiots who make quotes as if they're actual quotes but really they're just gibberish with apostrophes thrown in to make it look like Shakespeare.
10. Have a kick-ass days!

On a similar note, it is ALSO my last day of classes.
Pending grad. school - NO MORE CLASSES EVER -

Sadly my finale will be in a gray room with one window and from the most boring class of my 5 classes. Also, I know for a fact Jenny and Dan aren't done - so there's no one to celebrate with. Oh well. I guess I'm leaving school the same way I went in.

OH- Apparently the Hip might be at the Grad Club - gotta go!

Vote, I did

2005-04-05T00:09:00.000-04:00

(Disclaimer: The following may be disappropriate for anyone)

Ok. Chris Ball is trying to elect a new Pope - the Dalai Lama!

This is an outrage! The world can't have religious union! Why, that'd calm people down and provide a potentially stable religious environment with similar objectives. I mean, what's even the point of religion if everyone's going to be happy? This is a great way to make the Catholic church mobile again - you know, coming at you from all angles - it'd really bring the church back to its all encompassing glory circa 1600 A.D. Remember the days when you didn't need to hire anyone because your numerous and genepool-less sons did all the work? The Dalai Lama does, he's basically as old as the Pope was.

No, no - this won't do at all. The new Pope has to be an ACTION Pope, not a liberal Pope. It has to be a Pope with fresh ideas, and a new face on life. He's gotta have soul. Are not the children the future of all that is holy and pure in this land? The new Pope has to be able to touch their lives in a way the old clergy did - only with more vigor and alacrity. That's why I recommend my slightly 'edgier' elect for Pope in 2005: Michael Jackson!

I mean, MJ may have a few issues, but he's got a lot of money. That's gotta count for something in a leader. Just imagine a Pope charismatic enough to woo crowds around the world with just ONE of his flashy dance steps, incredible Moonwalks, or scorching vocals. He's even proven to have the same views on birth control as the church - recall a few years ago when he held that baby out the window of the 2nd or 3rd story building - I mean, that may have been crazy, but he DID wait until the baby was born before putting its life in terrible jeopardy for the amusement of himself and the papparazzi. That's basically an anti-abortionist stance.

I'm putting my vote behind MJ in competition versus Ball's Dalai Lama. MAKE YOUR VOTE HEARD! Speak out today in 'Pope-Elect 2005: This time, it's Biblical.'

*Ahem. I'm off my soapbox now.

On a less intrinsically insulting vein, I posted my TOP TEN ALBUMS of all time a few days ago in the TOP TENS section of Miscellany. I'd say my choices are the same still now, two days later.

You may notice a few other TOP TEN lists in the section too, as the 'TOP TEN FUTURAMA episodes list is soon to come. (Warning: May contain nerdy subject matter, Female discretion is advised)

23 Bottles of Beer on the Wall

2005-03-30T20:45:00.000-05:00

Nothing fancy today. Just pure, uncut, blog.

This week has been crazy, for me and for everyone. You can tell. It's like an ant farm bustling madly to get food together before the bad season, and soon that ant farm will be shaken by the hand of joblessness. Despite this rush, I'm glad I'll probably be able to get my essays done AND make a THIRD Forbzy and LaMarshe!

I'm still half deaf from seeing a show at the Montreal House in Peterborough this past weekenfd. It sucks. I have no idea when it'll heal. It slowly gets better, but my ear still feels numb/headachey. The ringing that's been in my ears for 3 days is driving me nuts.

More poetry on the way, once I can clear my head from work. Actually, I have to write a peom for a Renaissance 321 assignment, so maybe if you're good I'll post it here. It should be 10-20 lines of Miltonic verse. Bwaaa ha ha.

A birthday party is in order for me on friday. I realize I haven't spoken about my birthday here yet. It was the 28th, a monday. The parties in two days - AND we're seeing Sin City before hand. A weekend of Sin City, birthday party, Forbzy filming, and even a Artsci Semi-Formal sounds pretty good to me. So I'm 23. I don't feel any different, but I DID have to input the new number on the bike machine today - and that was strange. I got some nice shirts for my birthday from my mom and from Donny. A 'The Mars Volta' shirt, which is awesome.

Anyway: Here's my birthday cake.

- Thank you unknown cook. I will now eat your delicacy!

Although I didn't actually eat this cake, I've decried it MINE!

5 Greatest Movie Warriors

2005-03-23T21:34:00.001-05:00

Ok. So I saw this thing on the internet where people put forth their 'Super Team of Warriors from Movies' - the best action heroes/monsters from our great movie industry. Your top 5 that you'd choose to send into battle. I had to throw my hat into the ring, even if it makes me associate in some way with 'internet hackers.'

So here we go: View the FIVE GREATEST WARRIORS!

So there you have it. 5 epic warriors, ready to do battle. I won't be around to blog for a few days due to Easter and going homeward bound. At least, if I do post - it won't have pictures. So have a healthy weekend, and think about what's been said here today.

Smoker pt.2

2005-03-23T01:01:00.000-05:00

Well that was a bust. It was cancelled because Queen's Apprentice, a Queen's version of the famous Trump show, went overtime due to technical difficulties and ruined everything. So 2 hours of TV replaced the time. *sigh*

On the plus side I knocked over the Sun Sphere...

Smoker pt.1

2005-03-22T19:49:00.000-05:00

Tonight I'm going to a 'I-Need-A-Date' smoker because I need a date. A brief summary of the night shall follow. This is a two part post. I hope they call these things 'smokers' because the girls are 'smoking hot', but I doubt it. Maybe they call them 'smokers' after the villains of Kevin Costner's Water World.

Meanwhile, I filmed more Studio Q stuff today. I was a business man who gets scared by a Caveman. YES! ANOTHER CRUSHING SUCCESS! I'm deffinitely the best part of the sketch. The third Forbzy and LaMarshe script has been written, but it shall not be posted. I'm worried about getting it done before Studio Q runs out of episodes. But all must remain a secret until production. But I'll say this... someone DIES*

On a similar note, it appears I've had my first random guest who actually happens to know who I am. One Cian Cruise, whom I know through the Q, happened upon my blog recently. Let me commend him - and furthermore, declare now that ALL who find this blog ought to post comments more. Only people named 'Chris' seem to ever comment, and they're a dime a dozen. Tom Lavery posted once, but that was just to whine. Zugswang! wants to be as homely and warm to all its guests as possible - which may or may not be why I'm showing you this picture:

- Trogdor the Burninator strikes again!

See? In one sense everyone says "Ahh, Trogodor" and get relaxed, but in the other sense everyone says "Ahh! Trogdor!" and pisses themselves. So that's why I didn't know whether showing the picture worked in the context or not.

The Original Trogdor Cartoon can be found here.

*may not be a character of importence.

Do I take this one Movie in and Risk it All?

2005-03-17T20:04:00.000-05:00

Dammit - BE IRISH! RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!

It's not working. I must be too Scottish. Aie, that's it.

I'm gonna take this post to promote a movie I'm pumped for, SIN CITY. This looks terribly cool. A nice variety of actors, a stylish black and white veneer, wickedly animated police cars, and yellow blood. Bad cops. Sexy dames. Dark alleys. Yes, the movie has everything that's its bar equivalent 'Sin City Nightclub' in Peterborough has. Only I doubt I'll get an STD from watching the movie.

Here's a link to the site: A link to the site

Here's some stills for orgasmic pleasure:

Spray it, Don't Say it

2005-03-16T00:04:00.000-05:00

People should solve problems more like kids solve problems.

For instance: There came a time in every childs life when, pushed beyond the limit of what they consider reasonable by a parent or authority figure, they resort to the last most deadly line of defense - a prompt shitting of the pants.

It's a form of protest, yes. It's a aggressive attack, yes. The intentional shitting of the pants puts an exclamation point behind everything one stood for as a kid. There was nothing the parentcould do about it besides clean it up. You won, end of story. You reminded them who served WHO in the house. But this could only be used for special occasions - I mean, you can't just go around shitting your pants every time your dad won't buy you ice cream or your mom wants you to go to bed. That's just sick.

Sick as it was, it was poigniant - an adjective lacking from modern political debates. Endless red tape gets in the way of progress, from the UN down to municipal governments. But what if our greatest politicians solved problems more like little kids? The shitting of the pants must return with the stink of political upheaval. Take the following example, pulled from a ficticious UN meeting during WW2:

Germany: I'm sorry, but we are invading Poland.
Poland: You can't do that! Don't let them do that!
UN Speaker: I'm sorry Poland, they are mightier than you. They have greater will power and strength of character than your weak country.
Poland: But that's... you can't.... That's it. I'm not going to take this! *unnnnnnnnnnngh*
Switzerland: What's he doing?
Ukraine: Oh my God, he's shitting himself!
Britain: Why is he... ewww, gross!
Trinidad: I can even smell it back here!
Poland: *unnnngh* There! Look what you made me do!
Germany: This changes nothing! We're still going to invade.
UN Speaker: I don't know Germany. This guy just shit his pants for his country. He must really, really, really, want to remain independant. He has proven that his country's willpower is of equal match to yours. There's nothing we can do.
Germany: I will keep fighting until.... eww that smells... I will.... ugh. We would happen to be sitting together.
Poland: Unless you want to clean it up, it'll be here all day.
Germany: Fine! Keep your backwards little pants-shitting nation. We'll go fight an army that doesn't use cavalry and hoplites!
Poland: Hooray, we're saved!

Who can deny that the Polish representitive got his point across quickly and with strength? Who is willing to argue with someone with that kind of balls? I mean - how embarrasing. The political climate as we know it would change. No more long meetings full of windbags who never get anything done - only our nation's finest proving just how dedicated they are to their causes.

On a seperate note, I published the Abridged Version of The Fellowship of the Ring in the miscellany section.

Women from Venus, Men from Mars Volta

2005-03-08T16:41:00.000-05:00

PURCHASE: The Mars Volta- Frances the Mute
AGREEABILITY: Much
PRICE: A sweet 10.00$
COVER ART: Motorists with red bags on their heads!

Man, I haven't bought a CD in a while. Since october I think. No wait, I got those 6 CDs for 30$ a while ago. But those were used. New, since october. Which isn't really a fact that is interesting, since some people get CDs more frequently, and others don't buy them at all anymore. I buy CDs for the following bands:

I Mother Earth
Radiohead
Muse
The Music
The Mars Volta

And that is all (although cutely coloured). If other bands have particularily good CDs that I know are good CDs, they might also be bought - but only those five bands get bought without one care as to listening to it beforehand. And before you ask why there's a picture of Brain, it's because Brain loves the Mars Volta. He was one of those fans who was a fan before the band got famous and now hates all their new fans who don't "understand them" or "really know them." He'll probably eventually claim The Mars Volta are sell-outs and find a more obscure band to enjoy. DAMN YOUR SNOBBERY BRAIN, LEARN TO LOVE!

In unrelated news, the Ex might be down for a weekend sometime soon. It will promise to be very interesting if nothing else. But I'm fleeting here since she probably reads the blog. (And if not - pfft to that!) Anyway, this is she:

My content output has been slow lately. But don't worry, it's not because I'm slowly losing blood.

*For the record, when I 'may or may not' have picked up the beach babe a few posts ago - I totally didn't.

Was your Temple Empty Ruins?

2005-03-03T17:46:00.000-05:00

People think every post should be funny? People think every post should have meaning? Ought I to amuse you with pictures and games and silly sayings? It can be proven that posts don't have to be funny and it can be proven that posts don't have to have meaning, nae, ought not to have meaning. A post can just... be. It doesn't need sugarcoating. All you could ever want can be found within it. Is it up to the poster to present it? Or the reader to receive it, to absorb it, to let osmosis through computer screen/mind interaction slowly bore a connecting hole? Maybe if more posts let the reader find their own truths there'd be less killing in the world. A blog of empty posts, freeing itself from posting conventions - allowing for infinite interpretations... If the doors of perception were cleansed, everything would appear to man as it is: infinite.

Fucking existentialism...

Rock-out with your Clock-out

2005-03-02T19:34:00.000-05:00

Finally, Joel has defeated the flu bug. He got his licks in, but eventually my intense sleeping rituals broke him down. I've never slept as frequently as yesturday. 3 times! Ball's been avoiding me so I don't get him sick before his thesis is due, but what he doesn't know is that I've been coughing on our cat Brain, then sending it into his room.

So now that I'm healed, it's time to rock out like Flava Flav. With my clock out!

Anyway, since I'm lazy, I will again procrastinate from writing about Panama City Beach, and will instead show a series of pictures. Of course formatting this shit will actually take longer than just writing, but I'm a 4th year English major - if you don't hate the language by now you're a eunuch.

See? I hate it enough to switch tenses halfway through a sentence.

Anyway, the more favorite pics:

- Thems some mighty devil horns.

- Beach Slam!

- I got 48 holes in one. Except that shot.

- People from Montreal are cool, if young.

- "I get knocked down, but I get up again..."

And good times were had by all. Except my toe, which still hurts.

Poem: Thatcher in the Rye

2005-02-27T23:00:00.000-05:00

John Major wrote a book once,
Called 'Thatcher in the Rye'
Wherein he described many an ounce,
Being drunk by the Minister Prime.

It was libel and malicious,
The litigations were rather strained,
It called her promiscuous,
But teenage angst, it well explained.

When she went to refute the book,
With her stern and jaded face,
She swaggered and she stupor'd,
And collapsed upon the dais.

Major, it seemed, enjoyed having upper hands,
But she's got a cottage retreat in the Falkland's.

Tomorrow is school, and it's flag is flying a skull n' cross-bones.

Panama City Beach

2005-02-26T19:52:00.000-05:00

SPRING BREAK!

Oh, a wonderful time was had in Panama City Beach this past week. Far too much to report here - but the following things are important to know:

1. The USA has over 42 Waffle Houses between PCB and Detroit.
2. Bus rides that last 34 hours give you cabin fever. Especially when you're surrounded by Thug Life.
3. Free beer, although good in theory, depends entirely on it's quality.
4. Chumbawumba is the best band for kareoke ever!
5. It costs 10$ at the Coyote Ugly bar to get your ass slapped by a belt.
6. Hot tubs only work if they're hot.
7. There's a place called Dirty Dicks Crab House - apparently a family restaurant with creepy undertones.
8. Sewing the Needle is the latest, and greatest, dance craze.
9. The Air-to-Nerd missile never misses.
10. Craig and Peel will post pictures soon, for all to spy.

I could go on forever, so I'll stop right now. But here's a bikini babe I may or may not have hooked up with.

A French Missionary Mocked my Blog!

2005-02-17T14:29:00.000-05:00

http://thegentlevoyeur.blogspot.com/ <-The only lonely white rapper in the whole dorm Apparently the French are mocking me now. O, only now, in the end, do I fully comprehend just how global the internet truly is! There were some... inconsistencies in his post however which I should clear up. 1. Not in a dorm. 2. Not high - exuberant. Also, I found this quote from this site:

Auvergne is one of the least populated régions in Europe, let alone France. The département of Cantal would be almost completely depopulated if it wasn't for the town Aurillac (36,096).

Hmm, now let's see. Assuming you live in the metropolis of Aurillac, Kingston Ontario (or, the asscrack of Canada) still has 77,833 more people than your town. If the reason you didn't write a town or city at all, and instead chose to claim you're from a 'general region' of France' - then in all liklihood Kingston is in fact much MUCH bigger than your diminuitive habitat.

I'm going to chalk the 'kind of crazy' comment up to 21 years of Cabin Fever from living in a one-room schoolhouse.

Glad he liked the Slap though. Bad rap is one of my fortes. I am flattered my blog made enough of any impression to be posted about by anyone.

A Herring!

2005-02-16T21:07:00.000-05:00

I totally upgraded the sidebar. Now EVERY section of content has a cool icon to go with it, not just the Sword and the Fish link. I especially like the 'God's Miscellany' link which is a image from Monty Python's Quest for the Holy Grail.

I noticed something that's pissed me off lately though.
I spelt zugswang wrong. It should actually be spelt 'zugzwang' - with a second Zed.

WTF! 2 Zeds? What kind of lispy bastard came UP with this word? Now my blog is just a gibberish blog, instead of being one which coolly referenced the slightly less cool world of chess. Oh well. I'll make zugswang MINE, and redefine the word to mean deific!

Going to see the Jack Kerouac Knapsack Band tonight - hopefully with friends. Last time I went with no friends besides an illegal hidden recording device.

Forbzy and Lamarshe II: Drop that Textbook

2005-02-16T01:02:00.000-05:00

Guesssssssssssss what!

Forbzy and Lamarshe are BACK!

We catch up to our heroes with Lamarshe in the hospital, a victum of a crazed Queen's student under house arrest by Kingston P.D. Forbzy has to deal with a new partner, Tammy Goodapple, a vivacious and hotheaded WOMAN! Can Forbzy and Goodapple make up before and stop the illegal textbook racket before they break each other?

- Paulo Armando, back in action.

- Forbzy and Goodapple bust in on the crooks.

All the action can be caught in the new Forbzy and Lamarshe section.

Poem: The Days they are A-Longer

2005-02-15T12:03:00.000-05:00

The days they are A-longer,
and as the nigh draws near,
My likeness to the man Chris Pronger,
fades in the darkness here.

When the NHL shall hence decide,
to make the players play,
a player not suited up they spied,
Well into the heart of May.

But when they chastized the star,
like Aristophil I myself proclaimed,
T'is egoism that holds me par,
but inferiority why I don't entertain.

So they realized the fault they'd made there,
for I was far from a multi-millionaire.

I added another ditty to the Miscellany section. Very soon: Forbzy and LaMarshe post!

Transmission from the Planet Awesome

2005-02-12T19:41:00.000-05:00

I got 3 Slap Happy Goblin mp3s posted in the new Slap Happy Goblin section.

Enjoy, and maybe download, these fine pieces of musical art. And check out all the info about the 'band' and their creations!

Why doesn't Batman Dance Anymore?

2005-02-12T17:36:00.000-05:00

Alone, Alone, all, all alone.

It seems I am unable to find adequate hosting space (beyond paying) to get mp3s on the site, which is a shame since between Tyler and I we have a tonne of uncopyrighted self-written music.

Weekends before pre-determined 'fun' weekends always suck. Everyone has to get stuff done so they aren't feeling guilty on the next weekend, which never happens anyway. Nonetheless I saw two entirely oppposite movies last night. The first was Hotel Rwanda which was terrible to behold in its potency. Very well done, in my opinion. Then there was Batman! starring Adam West.

Here are some critically acclaimed to be AWESOME quotations!

Robin: What if the Riddler shows up?
Batman: I'll beat him... brutally.

Batman: (While getting bit by foam shark in leg) Robin!Hand down the shark repellent Batspray!

Batman: Robin, stand by to catch the criminal.

Robin: What's dangerous and lives in the trees? A sparrow with a machine gun!
Batman: Exactly!

Riddler: Then when Batman comes here, lured by Catwoman, he'll find one of my riddles on The Joker's jack-in-the-Box spring, which will spring him through the window into the arms of The Penguin's explodnig octopus! It couldn't be more simple!

Batman: Good thing that friendly porpose gave his life to save us by swimming in front of that torpedo, or we'd have been cooked!

Commisioner Gordon: Penguin, Joker, Riddler... and CATWOMAN, too! The sum of the angles of that rectangle is too monstrous to contemplate!

Robin: Holy almost Batman!

Batman: They may be drinkers, Robin, but they're still human beings.

Batman: Some days you just can't get rid of a bomb.

Enough? Yeah. I thought so.

Rant #2 - Time Travel

2005-02-09T22:51:00.000-05:00

I'm using the 'morning' posting icon even though it's 11pm. I hadn't used it in a while, and damn, it looks cool.

I've decided to rant on... time travel!

Time travelling would never work, and here's why. In every time travel movie you see, the hero goes back to visit their old self - or their future self. But if this was possible then you could kill you old or future self, and therefore flash out of existence. Following? But if THIS happened, then your future (in this case) self flashing out of existence would've never existed (as he would've been killed in the past) and thus would never have been able to time travel into the future (because you'd be dead) and kill your old self, thus negatting everything.

While this sinks in, I have another conundrum.

If you went into the past and had sex with yourself, (in some odd 'time-travelling' way inwhich you somehow fertilize), would you have had some baby in your past? If so, why didn't the baby come with you into the past from the future? What if (as a girl) you went back 5 months and got yourself pregnant, would you INSTANTLY develope a belly swollen with child? It'd be like "BOOM! Belly!"

The other problem with time travel is that if you could somehow travel back in time, but then return to the present, couldn't you bring Jesus with you? Wouldn't that fuck with the plan for eventual(?) salvation and the second coming? God would be ticked. But why would God create time-travelling if he didn't want such conundrums to exist? Why doesn't God time-travel himself? I can see it now: Bill and Ted and God's Excellent Adventures

See what two professional scientists think on the issue. Professional scientists? Is 'Scientist' an actual profession? Aren't you always a scientist of SOMETHING?

Enjoy the following Time Travel Devices:

-The Time Shanty: An early, chair + windmill based attempt.
-The Time Rhombus: A good idea, but who can use it if it's in space?
-Time Machincycle: It doubles as a Segway!
-Numerous Clocks: Piling clocks around you will NOT get you through time.
-The Awesome-O-Box 4000: Deffinitely the wave of the future.

One day, I'll return to RIGHT NOW and add the time machine I'll invent on that day. You'll see.

I'm Tired from my Perm Down to my L.A. Gear

2005-02-07T23:29:00.000-05:00

This is me after 8.5 hours of editting 'Forbzy and LaMarshe II - Drop that Textbook!'

Zonked. Screwed a Romantics quiz to get this done, but damn is it fine. A little cleaner than the first one, and deffinately as, if not more, funny. Fans will enjoy referential jokes, and new fans will find it awesome for the first time.

In the meantime, I'm going to collapse and ooze my bones from my pores. However I'm not as tired as Zab who apparently didn't sleep last night due to editting. So SOME people feel my pain...

Needless to say, I'm doing JACK on this blog until I'm rested up. In the meantime I'll show you this amusing photograph:

- Bunyan, the original exterminator.

Paul Bunyan had a harder time of it than originally thought...

My Bling is the Thing in Which I'll Catch the Conscience of the King

2005-02-06T20:56:00.000-05:00

"New kids on the block had a bunch of hits,
Chinese food makes me sick,
And I think it's fly when girls stop by in the summer... in the summer."

Sorry about that. Having Chinese Buffet tonight for dinner with a large proportion of the Q Posse 560 reminded me of that crappy lyric by that crappy 3 person boy group that barely qualifies as a one hit wonder - LFO. (And no, I'll be offering no link for THEM)

Wondering what the special occasion heralding my fancy hat and bling? It's the succesful filming of my second Studio Q sketch this week, an Allesse ad wherein I played a pimp. Thus, the outfit was brought out. It should be funny, but they cut the scene of me dancing in post-production, which is probably for the better - since it was me dancing...

No pictures tonight, I've been too busy with the MOVING PICTURES.
Think that makes me a jerk? I'm nothing compared to THIS GUY.

Joel vs Muffy: A Battle of Muscles

2005-02-05T19:11:00.000-05:00

A wise man once asked, 'Do androids dream of electric sheep?'

But my question is, 'Do sheep dream of electric androids?' I'm not quite as wise, perhaps.

Soon I'll be able to link to a sweet 'Forbzy and LaMarshe 2' movie, filmed today in the cold. It took 2 hours to get started because we couldn't get into the office, but once we got going it was super stellar. Some deffinite laughs. I'm quite the strong manly man in the thrifty undershirt getup of Forbzy. But not as strong as this dog:

- Muffy displays his oxen-like strength.

For the record, anyone who knows where I could host some mp3's for this site - please leave a comment. Did I write this already? Maybe. Oh well. It's an important message.

Blood: It's in you to Horde

2005-02-03T19:45:00.000-05:00

Bonjour!

So today I went in for a standard checkup and almost passed out for no reason beyond the fact when she mentioned something about 'Doing a blood test' at KGH. I think that since I hadn't eaten all day my stomach was especially soft. Nonetheless, funny stuff, because here I am: right after she's done telling me everything is really healthy, and I go purple for no reason. It was purely psychological, but they insisted on my being in a wheelchair anyway - so I got to pretend I was a mental patient as they toted me down to the nice room with the pretty sheets. There I recovered in seconds. I just plain don't like 'medical' and 'blood' to come up when I'm around doctors. This is why my profession as a 'Leecher' didn't work out...

So, I am fine.

And I must compliment Mech House on their funderful kegger last Saturday. We got Craig's pics back and they are pretty nice. Here's a sample:

- That's me!!!

- Donny and Sharone partake in a spirited jam-off. The winner? Anyone listening.

- Kevin and Chantelle pose, how sweet. Beer cup piles begin to pile up on the back of the couch.

- Remember when Peel picked up SHE-HULK at the party? Man, what a fly night.

What do future weekends have in store for us? Only God/Magic 8-Ball will know...

Rant - on Ranting, and Reflection

2005-02-02T19:24:00.000-05:00

Damm rants! I hate rants! I'm going to rant about it!

No. Actually, I'm going to rant about the fact the Blogger LOST my previous post, which was a rant about people criticising amatuer projects while not ever trying themselves. For some reason every time I switch from Compose mode to Edit HTML mode my internet turns off.

Nonetheless, posting must go on.

I would like to post, however, about the appreciation of most everyone I know. It is part of my biological nature, I've discovered, to think almost everything I ever create - is awesome. Some people think everything they do is never good enough, me I think everything's super-awesome. Hopefully not to the point of dissillusion. But that's my point. Many people I know are very supportive whenever I force my creative output upon them, and I want to recognize them for their efforts, because It is NOT easy to get excited about stuff other people have done sometimes. There are some people I'd expect it from, the ones whose sense of humour closely matches mine - but there are others who can appreciate it for what it is and means to me, although I know their style is different. One of you, who I ran into on the street, said he'd told 6 friends about my blog. That's so awesome. I'd never think that'd happen. Lots of people like things like The Cajoles of Hell, Forbzy and LaMarshe, Goldenwords related material - accepted or no - and a specific minority (but really supportive) enjoy the awesome The Sword and the Fish, and even Slap Happy Goblin, my brother and I's spoof band.

I'll use this medium to offer thanks - because then the TRUE fans, people who come to the blog, will find it. lol. Fans? I meant friends.

If anyone's wondering where my major work, The Cajoles of Hell is on this page, I'm not going to post those scripts until I hear back from Amberwood Animations in Ottawa on whether they've accepted my show proposal. Here's hoping.

If anyone knows how I can post mp3s, aka, a site big enough to hold a pile of mp3s - I've got some bitchin' stuff to show you. You'd meet the talented Swedish MC, MC Me.

Rant #1 - Criticism Without Immersion

2005-02-02T16:29:00.000-05:00

DISCLAIMER: Ranting may occur.

I noticed something today, and recently, which cannot really be gotten around, yet ticks me off immensely. It is the right of all to critique that which they deem ill-conceived or foolish. Or that which they deem not up to par with where it ought to be. But people who mock or ridicule creative processes, YET DO NONE THEMSELVES, get on my nerves.

You like your style. Others like others. Whoevers in control is going to like theirs, and go with theirs. Who decides which style/content gets in? With 'Goldenwords' there was a strict and regimented system which made publishing difficult - this tended to weed out what the editors believed was the last quality content. This works well, if setting limitations upon content based on the editors prior likes and dislikes. With Studio Q, they scramble to fill shows - so any imput from 'concerned viewer' would spruce it up, assumedly. Obviously not everyone's not motivated enough to join, they just don't approve of the quality level - and it is their right to do so.

So if you want to change things, join and do, and then recognize the difficulties in making the show. I GUARENTEE you'll appreciate the final content MORE if you observe the difficulties in making it. I never saw Studio Q before I joined, but I know there's some things I don't like about it still. It's too late for me to overhaul the system to be my vision, but I can do the best with what I have.

But if you don't wanna help, what are you? Someone complaining about something that's not good enough. Well, this is legitimate, however: I think each person who does this OUGHT to consider, before they make their perspective static, that if they were trying something along this vein, they'd have MORE respect for amature final content. And this is my point.

Yes, it is still not good quality.
Yes, your opinion is still 100% valid.
But there's something to be said for trying with little means.

I don't find Studio Q super funny always. But I find it much funnier having tried and seen the difficulties in making a good, proper-looking, humourously written, TV skit. People naturally value their time equally. A half an hour here is worth a half an hour there. Therefore a half hour watching 'Seinfeld' is judged for 'fun-content' the same way half an hour of Studio Q is. Obviously, Studio Q is going to lose. You have to respect what is made for the effort involved, and not judge these on the same scale. Because if you do you'll never approve of anything that isn't professional - and that's a detached way to critique an art community.

Don't critique amature things on everything they do wrong. Critique them on everything they do right.

There will be flaws. There will be amatuer humour and direction and editing et al. The Simpsons episodes aren't written in a day on people's spare time. It's a full-time job, being funny. You are better off (because you'll enjoy it more) to watch the show and try to respect what is done right than harp on everything done wrong. If you do harp, and you do nothing yourself, it is a callow way of considering the art.

It takes a lot of guts to try to be funny. And most often, it takes PRACTICE - which means there'll always be non-funny stuff in amatuer productions. 1st years rarely get published in Goldenwords consistently. Comedy is often a learned artform. It's easy to do with your friends and in general - but for an audiance that wants everything, it is not. You're going out on a limb when you do it. You're putting yourself behind something and sticking to it. This, in my opinion, is harder than creating nothing but critiquing that which is not as funny as network TV. You don't have to like it. But you ought to respect it for what it is, a rough attempt to make someone laugh.

How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Balm

2005-02-01T20:02:00.000-05:00

Above: Me trying to withstand the awesome, colour skewing sound coming from my new Jack Kerouac Knapsack Band CD.

Seriously though, Uncle Sam is right. I'm very impressed with their new CD. I knew the musicality of it would be good, but what gets me is the sweet sound quality. Much better than previously 'released' mp3s. That's what a little money can do I guess. I especially like The Calypsos.
- This poster was originally used by the author Jack Kerouac at poetry signings - it has since been used by the band.

As well, note, that I have once again upgraded this site. As I'm in the habit of doing. On top of adding the 'Monsties' section of the Sword and the Fish page, I added Neanderthal U. to the Miscellany page. That's commitment.

Salman + Hockey Together at Last

2005-01-31T19:11:00.000-05:00

In 2 and 1/2 weeks I'll be heading out to sunny Florida, Panama City Beach. It feels good.

Although frankly the weather's been nice: I played some MAD hockey this afternoon. Warm enough to sit, to not wear a jacket - but still cold enough the ice didn't suck. Speaking of hockey, for the record Eric Staal is a sweet 7th in the American Hockey League scoring. Since he's 'my man', I think that's pretty cool.

I have a good plan for what hockey should do IF (big if, since it ain't gonna happen) they come near an agreement enough to salvage the season. So maybe for next year, as all signs point to it taking that long to resolve this issue. 30 team ROYAL RUMBLE, WWF style. Calgary and Tampa get a 1 round buy because they were Stanley Cup calibre last year. This means the 1st round would be 14 series's. The following round would have 14 teams right? WRONG. Calgary and Tampa wound be in, it'd be 16, and suddenly we've got the standard playoff format. This would raise interest in hockey again, and not need a pointless "regular season" of 10-30 games. Everyone would love it. At the end, the winning team doesn't win the Stanley Cup, but some one-time dealy. Brilliant.

The egg-heads from Haroun and the Sea of Stories couldn't have come out with that, the tartmunchers.

Meanwhile: I'm working on posting music. Also: Chantelle is masochisticly denying us MSN-discourse, and is therefore evil. As soon as she remembered to decline answering me, I knew I was done for the 3 day period proscribed...

O Frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!

2005-01-30T19:20:00.000-05:00

I'm laughing because I'm so awesome.
Word around town is that on saturday filming for the SECOND Forbzy and LaMarshe is commencing! When it ends, nobody knows - but it'll probably end the same day it began. For those of you unfamiliar, Forbzy and LaMarshe are tough 80's cops who've been called in to crack down on Queen's students.

- Forbzy (Paulo Armando) and LaMarshe (Vincent Malfarious) pose, ready for action.

The sequel will surely be as big a hit as the first, as numerous big wigs will be coming in. Tyler VW and Jess Lindal will be back, as well as newcomers Katherine and Tristan. This time, the Boss has hooked Forbzy up with a new partner - a woman! Can the unlikely duo manage to stop the illegal text book smuggling ring or will they end up stopping each other? Or each other's hearts? Only 2 weeks time will tell.

- Forbzy and LaMarshe look befuddled in my living room.

Anyway, thus celebrations are in order. The celebrations happen to take the form of studying as soon as this entry is done. I also got a whole pile of Studio Q magnets and posters tonight, so if anyone wants to spruce up their refrigerator, or their girlfriend's forehead, gimmie a shout.

In the meantime, the Sword and the Fish page - with its awesome clickbutton - is improving hourly! (Hourly you say? Yes. The longer it exists, the more my stock goes up because it is so awesome - therefore, it is improving hourly).

Later that Night...

2005-01-29T01:50:00.000-05:00

Back from the 'Time-to-Laugh' comedy show. A quite enjoyable event I suggest to most. It's not for the feint of heart - he extracted about a quart of blood - but enjoyable nonetheless. It's funny how ALL comics, except, it seems, the famous ones, rely on 'scandolous' humour + drugs n' sex for half their jokes. I suppose putting the audiance into nervous laughter helps ease tension. Wait - don't those two phrases contradict each other?

Ball got mocked for his dreds, and was referred to as 'Bob Marley' - and Chantelle had a ton of birthday comments making for amusing references. Our whole row got a good talking to as we were in the front, which was the only place to be. Rest of the night petered out, in preparation for tomorrow no doubt. Kegger at Mech House.

I also found this weird cult. But am not allowed to get into that.

Karate Kittens Fight for Freedom!

2005-01-28T17:02:00.000-05:00

BRAIN!
The cutest/most hellbound cat who ever did walk the cold, moldy floors of 334 Brock St. I've never seen anything terrorize my desk with such authority. Everything's on the floor all the time. The only safe thing I can do in my room without him standing on the keyboard or telling me to put the red jack on the black queen is play guitar - and even then, he jumps at the light refraction on the walls and totally almost kills himself. But at least he's not like THESE cats - jumping at your exposed backside and almost killing YOU!

-Karate Kittens fight for Freedom in Sang Pai. Oppressive Socks flee bedside.

Friday! Hopefully the next post will be at 2 am from a garbage bin in an alley with a bottle of booze in my hand. How that garbage bin got connected to the internet, is another story.

I now have a MISCELLANY page.

Enjoy the nite! (I spell it without the G's because I hate G's)

Hexpecting Babies

2005-01-27T17:24:00.000-05:00

It is time to unveil my list of TOP BAND NAMES EVER, compiled over many years. A band name is like naming a child, you want to examine the baby upside-down then decree its name. Sometimes you want to name your baby after your grandfather or grandmother - just as sometimes you want to name your band "Betty Loo."

THE LIST:

Hexpecting Babies
Backflip to Oblivion
Sawdust! (And the Joy of BEING Sawdust)
Aerial Blitz
DJ Salinger
Chewbacca Kaboom
Angry Isotopes Fuck you Up
Led Dirgible
The Jesus, God, Buddha Equation
Ack! (And other Sentiments Better left Unsaid)

Definitely some killer material there. And it reminds me - coming soon is the webpage dedicated to the rise and fall of one of histories greatest and unheralded bands: "WE'D HIT IT!!!!"

In the meantime, here's introducing the guardian of my blog. He defends versus intruders and square MCs:

Lash out with Every Limb - Like the Octopus who Plays the Drums

2005-01-26T20:32:00.000-05:00

Definitely a truism if I've ever heard one.

I recently bought 6 CDs. But before you scream, "Those could've been free off the internet - you're crazy" relax - I got them used, and in a nifty deal. 2 for 20$, then 4 for 10$.

The Odds- Singles Individually Wrapped (Best of) -10$
Moist- Machine Punch Through (Best of)-10$
Pure- Generation 6-Pack -2.50$
Pure- Feverish -2.50$
Age of Electric- Make a Pest a Pet -2.50$
I Mother Earth- Scenery and Fish -2.50$

SEE THAT!?!?! My favorite CD in the whole world for 2.50$ at the bottom of a box and covered by other crappier CDs like "Now! 8", "AC/PC", and "Seal".

This wouldn't stand, so I bought it - even though I already own one. Thus, anyone who wishes to become 'enlightened' in Joel style awesome, just ask, and I'll give it away free purely to propogate my own musical tastes onto others.

I have also added a AUTONOMOUS FRIEND UNITS section under 'Content', to honour all my friends who aren't part of my cult... I mean, my little Queen's posse.